introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- winter blue 03:18:36 - 9 january 2001 i can't shake this cold. i can't find enough layers, enough blankets. nothing will shield out the cold, nothing will seal the warmth inside. and i know its just some winter blues, but i can't shake them like i shake my umbrella, i can't get rid of them, no, they stay like guests that never leave. i can't get rid of this shadow, the looming charcoal like lead that forces me to remember, forces me to recall the lightning, how it glowed blue in the snow storm; how you missed it while you slept. the poems written in a hotel bathroom. knowing the train would come. walking in the cold to get to you.... the crying in my sleep. i can't get rid of the memories that come with winter. i can't shake the urge to cry at night, to weep at dawn, to dwell in my desolation in daylight hours. and sunny weather means nothing when haunts of years gone by visit me and whisper memories at me, thoughts put away in boxes for the year, like christmas ornaments, wrapped up in paper and packed in the crawlspace under the stairs. this time of year, i remember my own holiday, and pull out your memory like i'm pulling out a box of old christmas cards to read... remember how it felt to sleep by your side, how it felt to watch you leave that last time, your voice in the calls that came.... and dwindled and stopped. i can't shovel the snow out of my head, and its gathering inches, but I think I can smell the fireplace of another... is that a curl of smoke in the distance? Its so slow going, but i'm making my way out of the desert of your snowstorm. its taking years of reparation, but i'm gluing broken pieces back together.... and the angel will sit at the top of my tree again, with a little faith. but its just some winter blues and spring is bound to come, and with it, green. there is nothing more comforting than green, i think... wrapping around me from all directions, emotions high and sweet in a way that only spring can make them... so easy to fall in love in april, so hard to believe that she will come in january. plodding on towards months from now, wishing away the weeks of cold.... winter will be yours forever, and I'll remember every year. love of my life, you were not, but you are my winter blue. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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