introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- vascar sublime 03:40:02 - 10 january 2000 i think i'm hitting an all time rock bottom low in the head, now...too many memories all at once...what i thought would be purging and honest is only constant looping film. i hate this a lot...i want the happy carole that laughs; the one that enjoys living. i'm remembering these poems i wrote when i was about sixteen....a small anthology called 'from the dark side'....obsession with concepts that now hide in dark places inside me. hm. i've since ridden the fine line, always easily wooed by either deep darkness and bright whites, colours. i digress. these are the words that come with Sublime tangeria, an empty bottle of which i have saved. walked home alone. mindlessness on a tuesday night....wednesday morning. Vascar Sublime full blooded full mooned tuesday night, intoxicated and warm, my thoughts racing at speeds vascar radar will never register without a legal tickit.... fat moon hanging so low, pendulum at sunset. i'm told that on that moon, the horizon lingers much closer, and the physics majors are questioning the real existance of time. and i, in my stubborn pride sent no word to the east. yes, i, in my refusal to admit my wrongs, sent no apology, no explanation... and i can feel the moon, her eyes on me, i know that once again, i've gotten it wrong. there are eyes i love, and lips i long to kiss. there is a man with thoughts that range in shades, a full spectrum into which i long to plunge.... arms i can half feel embrace, a voice that melts me into my most simplex element. and tonight, my hands are empty but for a pencil and some stolen paper.... tonight, my head is rushing while the bar buzzes around me, i am alone among fifty or so.... and its beer for them, but i'm having something a bit more Sublime. yes, tonight, my arms are empty, but i clutch the very thought of you close to my heart, as if i'm losing you already, losing something i haven't even touched yet, someone i haven't even touched, so pure. its heady, its light and blurry, and i feel that ache in me that reminds me why i wasn't drinking in the first place.... its heavy, its smiles, its high emotion, which makes me wonder why i'm not drowning my pride on a more nightly basis. and he had the punk rock in him, a smile that reminded me of N, and the political arguments I love in a man... and there was something about me that wanted to impress him, something about me that wanted to make the shot... but i held it all back in a way that i've never before, held it all back for an accent that echoed in my heart, in my head, in my dreams.... i wouldn't call them doubts, but i'd call them considerations. i'd call them realistic ponderings, because there's nothing i fear more than the pain that comes with a broken heart; no there's nothing i fear more than giving up the safety i've found in solitude for nothing more than loving the idea of love... i just need to be sure, baby... i just need to be sure... can you give me guarentees? full blooded full mooned tuesday night, intoxicated and warm, my thoughts racing at speeds vascar radar will never register without a legal tickit.... pull me over. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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