introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Extended December 17:41:13 - 2000-12-29 so its the weekend before New Years Eve. We're all going out to NYC for the festivities. Thankfully, Mark comes tonight cuz I could use the company of someone that knows me well enough to tell me how I am. I suppose we all get a touch of hybernation in us this time of year and it only gets worse before the birds come back: just have to remember that snow melts and leaves come back and the world gets green again. I got a puppy for those of you who don't know and she is lighting up my life a little. Most of the animals are going home with Heather soon. I will miss them and their quirky needs and bedtimes and feedings. I miss open windows the most, but I don't mind skiing one bit. Anyway, here's a new one for you cats. *hugs to all* Be well. *THIS EXTENDED DECEMBER* writing touches over miles on skin i've never touched... feeling foolish as certain words spill from my head to my fingertips to your eyes, feeling silly in this world of technology and longing for something more traditional. and i've never felt more lonely by myself cuz i was always so used to feeling destitute and alone when i'm surrounded by the others.... The animals are talking and eating and sleeping, while i curl up with your ghost. i can't stop having crazy dreams about DPB and the things I did to him... the hell i put him through. It was the dream I had, so powerful and real... (you know those dreams, don't you? the ones that make you wonder if you're awake....) It was the dream and he finally forgave me, I finally apologized.... but it was only a dream, i know and I can't help hearing words he never said echo in my head... and I can't make the message stop: more than an object, I always claim to be; but I can't stop treating me like an object any more than anyone else... forcing them to see my insides and then cursing the package that housese all of the thoughts, the dreams, the emotions... Why can't I shake that part of me? and maybe its just a little of that winter depression that everybody forces on every body else, but depression is boring and lame.... and now, when i should be happiest and content with all that you've given me.... I feel the doubt creeping in like the cold through the old windows... and I'm more afraid than ever, now... afraid of the man downstairs, afraid of the dark and the shadows, afraid of my own voice and thoughts. and i never loved anyone like the love i feel for you, but you're kissing a fool, baby, you're kissing a mess... don't you realize what you're getting into when you take the love i'm lending you? there are pieces of me that are missing, and they gave me pieces i didn't need... there are parts of me that I haven't even found yet... but I want to find them with you... there's something about the boy on the other side of the world... there's something about england. there's something about winter thats putting dark circles under my eyes, there's something about the cold I don't mind so much... and I could get used to being lonely by myself, if it meant I'd not be when the others come home.... There's something about this extended december. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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