introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- another short term romance, terminated hey, baby...its the fifth of jul - fifth of july, 2009 "so many sheep i quit counting; sleepless and embarrassed about the way that i feel. trying to make molehills out of mountains; building base camps at the bottom of a really big deal."~ani difranco i broke up with scott on friday night. it wasn't my intent...admittedly, i think it was a week or two coming if i'm honest about it. i hit some sort of breaking point, i suppose...feeling smothered and obligated to too much too soon. this is typical of me, i think and i realize that maybe i've gotten too good at being single. mostly, i'm extremely aware of the fact that he is not toby...never will be. i was driving back from the city and realized i've been doing these men a great disservice... after three years...this, my third independence day without toby here...after all of this time, he is still the love of my life and it isn't fair to pretend to myself that that will change. i don't even know him anymore, really so who knows. in my imaginination, if i saw him, i would recognize the same things in him that i loved so much before. after three years of trying, i'm coming to terms with how it will be with my heart and my head: my heart was never (and probably will never) be truly up for grabs again. i gave him everything i had. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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