introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- you dig yourself out not as late as last night - 23 october 2013 "but your heart can't grieve for your little dreams / oh, no your heart can't grieve / not for your little dreams."~tv on the radio i was up very late last night. i've been incredibly restless. i don't think i'm ready for the cold so soon. i could feel the bite of it in the air, raging through my nostrils with a frost on it. they're calling for snow on thursday, friday. i haven't even managed to go pick apples or pick a pumpkin yet...let alone pie them or carve them. i'm not ready for it. my bones ache. my bones are older now. this is the part where you start realizing that your parents tried to tell you, i guess. i slipped between the sheets just before 4am and i knew i'd be up before my alarm. the window cracked open slightly. it was about sixty degrees. the wind in the leaves and the sunshine dappling through the old-timey window shades, shadows of flying leaves on the other side. my dreams. my dreams had been vivid, comforting, fucked up, and unfinished. but i was awake, anyway. a few hours to work on the container gardens before work. i showered, distracted and restless but relishing the over-warm water and the sunshine. i'm aware of the hour; my new shift means i can get ready later. the light is strikingly different in this part of the house at this part of the day. i have been enjoying it immensely. hair detangled, qtip/ear habit quelled, hair wrapped in a towel, skin warm and covered with goosebumps from the cold in the room outside the shower stall. my fingers were warm enough that i could manage my phone. "hey lady. was thinking about you this morning (...)Anytime you want to get together, let me know (like sunday brunch??)" "girl! that is fucking weird. i was thinking about you this morning, too!!" and now we've got a dinner date and a promise of peanut butter pie. one of the happiest faces i've ever seen was rae nomming on her birthday pie. my robot heart warmed. it makes me happy. i could use some happy. i'm gonna make that lady a pie. i'm getting some control over myself but my dreams are insufferably real and wonderful and horrible and heartbreaking and....as i mentioned, unfinished. i allowed myself the week to just keep going back to them. fuck dreams sometimes, though, guys. i have growboxes full of vegetables that are still giving it up and i had so much basil that wasn't going to make it through a frosty night--sean managed to get the pagoda cover and screen room down before the rain. got it off when it was dry and look at us being grownups! i'm not about to lose these plants. i might move them into the entryway until the last of the hot peppers ripen, until the rooster peppers do their thing. just a few of them. i clipped my basil, taking down the box. a pitcher of beautiful basil waiting for pesto and the dehydrator. we're getting to winterizing the house and somehow....i've misplaced my warm blue fleece and favorite green scarf. so pie for rae. perhaps some pumpkin cookies for rachel because it's her season. more butternut squash and acorn squash to keep for the winter. more cooking. i decided i could stew in my sadness-juice or i could take back control. my heart is just going to have to get in line. she's had her say. i'm resolved to accept. acceptance, goddammit. so i'll cook smiles onto the faces of loved ones. i will drive to indiana this saturday night and drive on down the pike. i feel a prodigal daughter driving down that long drive, dodging deer. i will hug ed and peggy. i will watch my best friend burn things. "even if it snows?" maybe a hot apple dumpling at Meadows. maybe some bob's pizza. kind faces of loved ones. that's what i'm going to revel in. it's time to come indoors now and when we're indoors, there are game nights and fancy hipster dinners and my hands stay busy. wallowing hours are over. we cleaned up our eating even more again, eating nearly wholly paleo (except for my recent fixation on toast!) this week and my body feels good for it. i crave my butternut squash noodles and diced ham and kohlrabi greens and cranberries and acorn squash. i can't get enough of it. good food. good friends. hard work. lifting things. if i work hard enough, the dreams will go away again, i know it. i've done it before. too exhausted and productive to dream at all again. and it would help, i suppose, to get out of town and catch my breath. see some meteor showers. we're good when we get out of town, even for the day. focusing. i wonder how one gets into food recipe testing and editing? see. i've got lots of questions and i haven't got answers yet so focus. focus, meeps. xo, ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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