introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- heart in retrograde in retrograde - 18 october 2013 " i only want to be here when you're by my side / oh i believe now i'll love you 'til i die."~moby i can't really come up for air. can't breathe for the weight on my chest. my lungs are tight, my throat constricts when i have time to think. saturday and sunday conversations around the trollbridge parts were difficult. i said things out loud that i haven't said to anyone. he is gentle, kind. i have hurt him, i realize. i have locked everything up for so long. seven years. i don't know how i got to be where i am. how have i met such wonderful people in all these years? how have i made it this far? how can there really be so many days since that day i watched him disappear into the crowd in the airport? and the words we said the night before....i just can't believe it has been so long. it doesn't feel like it suddenly...it didn't feel like it until i thought about it. i am jones' unlived grief. i have become someone that nurtures. someone that takes care of those around her, i think. i watch out for those i love and i love a lot of people. i count my blessings, i am thankful. still...now, when i need to talk, my words tangle in my mouth and i can't say the things i need to say, even to those i love. i start. believe me, i have tried. but i don't know how to not sound like a crazy woman. and so i bottle it up again. i don't know where to begin now. it isn't that i don't want to talk about it. i just don't know how to talk about it with anyone without sounding simply ridiculous. but it's there. i've known it all along. i remember resolving myself to bury it. and i did. but it seems to have unearthed itself and i am still trying to catch my breath for the whiplash it has given me. "the truth. you have to tell the truth about it or it is going to eat you up inside", i tell myself. and then i push that voice into her silent corner. i move on. i go about my day. i am, wholeheartedly, submerged in work. in work, i find a busy mind and little time to think of myself. i am thankful for that, too, i guess. i wish it weren't the truth. but it is. work. sleep. eat. sad. so we talked. i said the words out loud. the most hurtful thing someone can say to someone that they love but i don't want to be dishonest. i owe him my honesty. "you are not the love of my life" i told him. in my heart, i know he knew already. i cannot be unfair and untruthful to him. i refuse to lie to someone so dear to me, especially when it comes to something so important. i cannot have him believe something that isn't true. "this doesn't mean i don't love you. it just means that i love you differently." i try to reassure this isn't the end of the world. he deserves better than someone who has buried her heart for so long. i have been tiptoeing around these feelings. wide open here, closed and barricaded there. it doesn't follow logically. so i've told him. there are no secrets. i don't know what to do from here. i just don't know what to do next. leave him? leave and head west alone and take some vows to stay alone for the rest of my life? maybe. something like it. i am so broken and crumbling inside. my smile feels strange when it crosses my face this week. a whole week. i've wept in my sleep, in the car, in the shower. there will never be enough tears to satiate the pain. once, i had the stages of grief scrolling across my monitor. i fully expected to be there by now. apart longer than together and still...i remember the smell of him, the sound of his voice...his laughter. i have never laughed so much in my life nor felt such abandonment. so therapy, i guess. i've avoided it for a long while but i can't find an ear to hear me out among my dearest friends and honestly, i can't lay this on anyone. it's ridiculous. i realize this. but my heart....it disagrees with my brain sometimes and sometimes, my brain can't just beat it into submission. sometimes, my heart is a stubborn ridiculous twenty-something. which is probably how he remembers me anyway. which is a damned shame because this shit aside, i've turned out pretty awesome, guys. i really have. i would give anything to spend some time with my grandmother now. to talk to her. i have so many questions about what a heart feels like when it gets to be so old. anyway, i don't even know where to start. i just know this hurts again and i despise it. i've not gone this far backwards in so long and now i am in some weird pit and clawing to get out...to get back to the light...to have a smile that feels familiar and warm and true. but it doesn't. and i'm drowning. and i hate it. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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