introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K

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just a hint of it

1:05 a.m. - 21 november 2013

"deep in the dust forgotten gathered /
i grow a diamond in my chest / i make reflections as the moon shines on / turn to a villain as I rest.
"~the tallest man on earth

today, while i was at my desk doing my job, i watched a blonde woman close to my own age slip into the ladies room. minutes later, a woman who looked just like the first only considerably aged came out and i got the strangest feeling of having missed some chunk of time in my life. i was breathless, nauseous. what a strange feeling.

i picked rachel and andy up from the airport at eight o'clock the morning. there is no good sneaky way from trollbridge end to the airport at that hour...none that i've been able to figure out. dolly dethwagon chugged in the cold. i let her take her time warming up. i keep whispering to her that if she can just make it through this winter i promise i will give her a hero's sending. i'm not so sure her heart is in it. i stopped in the freezing cold and checked her tire pressure. tire pressure stresses me out. i check it habitually. it was so cold this morning.

"the leaves are all gone," andy and rachel noted as we drove home on the highway.

"huh. i suppose they are. there were storms," i noted. the wind this week has been so angry that it whipped up under the hood of my car and triggered the alarm with every few gusts. winter is coming, i suppose. it feels like it could be the most arctic cold we've had in a few years if it keeps this up.

the house stays warm like we're grownups. food stores and baking and cooking like crazy on weekends. if i can get ahead in the next few weeks, i think i'm going to register for some classes in january. because why not? i've got the winter and i want to get the attic situated and a little fireplace space heater and my writing room. once it's all set up, i feel that i could really focus...making the most of what's on the table.

an opportunity at work for those of us who are 'mobile'...a company sponsored move to chandler, arizona. things are up in the air in my heart. i want to get as far west as i can and this is the part of the company that interests me more than sales or any of it. i want to understand how this works.

so i've been running around with the dearest people i know these last few weekends. bowling/pizza/sleepover/brunch/ikea time with some of my favorite people. the four of us (all with our plus-ones, equally dear) so rarely in a room together. i am revived by the time we have together. i find center. dinner guests for comfort food. quiet nights at home with just the two of us and twin peaks until we can't keep our eyes open. spending quiet time to myself with my woodburner with ideas up my sleeve. making things. accepting every hug sent my way because i realize it has been a long time since my last hugs. i'm stocking up.

send warm thoughts to my uncle, guys. he has been in the hospital for about a week. i feel so useless this far away.

it is nearly time to get my ticket to seattle for april. first, a vacation bid. then, a ticket. i'm expecting to pull the whole thing off for about 200$ round trip. how is that possible? well. i graduated nearly 4 years ago. and my best friend brian and his mom gifted me airline dollars. that'll cover one-way. i'll cover the other one-way. boom. a week. maybe a little more. maybe i see about coming home on the train alone. oh, wow, wouldn't that be just the thing?

my heart is glad and sad and happy and lonely and it is what it is. keeping my hands busy. keeping my loved ones close.

anyway, that's the gist of it.
seriously, though....that lady-switcheroo with the bathroom was something else. i can't stay where i am for much longer. there is either something on the horizon or i'm going looking for something strange and wonderful.

xo, meeps.

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.what came before. - .what happened next.

a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017
baseball season to football season, abbreviated - 25 september 2017
the doodles - 11 july 2017
at arm's length - 4 july 2017
like a sea-mammal needs a bicycle - 30 may 2017

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