introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- like counting uncooperative sheep insomnia after dusk - fourth of october, 2001 "i need sleep. i can't get no sleep."~faithless verbil she came home. well. actually. i called and called and screamed her name. no verbil. so, dot and i drove into beaver county to the humane society. we looked in all of the kennels. i put her on the list. (verbil. not dot.) i got the name for "pest control". i called. they had a dog with a black nose and black tipped lab-esque ears. and so, we drove. we drove back roads. i hoped it was her. it was. i sprung my best animal friend from dog prison and it only cost me fifteen bucks. "she was picked up around five o'clock. the police called her in." now. all i can think is that certainly, there are more crime issues to take into consideration than a young dog making her way back to where the food is from the lake across the street. but then again: it is beaver county. so Verbil. she is back. she has multiple un-slip-able collers just in case. she has identification. she has a license. she is legal. she is no longer an outlaw. *yawn* the problem in the back of my head there was small talk and some cold medicine. that was all. it was anything but i don't know what else there could've been. we've already drifted so far away, i can barely remember what the horizon looked like...or if it was actually the shore. and thats okay, i guess. i suppose that when he left for overseas all that time ago, i learned lessons that i can apply to more than just our relationship; i've learned things i can apply to everything at all. i've learned. and i'm learning. and i'm determined to mend. *yawn* like harrison and ann he came on thursday night-the same night i sprang the mutt. he came and it was like some date movie when we finally embraced in the recently plowed field in the lingering last light of one of the first cold days on the cusp between september and october. (weather overpowers me these days.) there was the trip north to the old running grounds and a visit with nacho and the maries. there were smiles. there was supreme everyday cosmic simple love. there was the trip home. and back north to clarion to see the Pretty Princess and the Designer Pants (and the autumn leaves). and home again. days spent just being. i understand hard determinism. i understand how we make our next moments with the moments before. there was a piece of that field in every day we've spent together since. his hands are still cold at night. except for when they're not. *yawnyawnyawn* the new friends i found this delightfully sweet american alligator. he is stuck in this algae ridden tank. or maybe its a she. there are two. one stares and stares. i only want one. or maybe two would be better. the one might just get lonely. so that would make one fish that eats the other fish, one tamed outlaw dog, and two alligators. or just one. and i want another dog for the outlaw dog to have as a companion. a lot of mouths to feed, but i can afford not to eat...for a few months. and i do worry about one thing: am i spreading my love too thin? *yaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn* looking forward to sunday he comes in mere days. for forever-like. i don't know how i could've waited longer. i don't know how i waited this long. i can't sleep without him anymore. i don't want to. its like she said: move forward. and move forward i shall, with the occasional determined string-line pit stop, of course. *yawn, dammit* insomnia its days til he gets here and we start leaping to the future. there are thoughts like active sheep running and jumping through my unfocused conscious. but the moon, she is waning from full and the light still keeps me awake. that, and the void in the bed beside me. i work to make the hours go by more quickly, but me...i can't get no sleep. *yawn* here's to all the good cats and hope that they're all sleeping better than i. *yawn* ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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