introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- my secret life 11:15 p.m. - eleveth of february, 2007 "she says I like long walks and sci-fi movies / you're six foot tall and east coast bred / some lonely night we can get together / and I'm gonna tie your wrists with leather / and drill a tiny hole into your head."~andrew bird when there isn't the choke of heartbreak, there is the realization that i have regained my secret life. ah, my secret life. at some point, my secret life was completely open to him. i was transparent because i believed that this was the way to be successful about it. transparency meant no secrets. with him, there were none. with him, i was a very bad liar. it was good, even if i had it all wrong. and i won't be wrong again. now, there are no phone calls at the end of the day and so my life again becomes a silent record, a secret story that nobody will ever completely know. some things bubble to the surface but, for the most part, i bury things away in silent graveyards, paying them their respects on long silent nights like this. i make a cup of tea, i turn the lights off and sit in the darkness and watch the blinking signal light a block down the street. my neighborhood is predictably dark, my neighbors sleeping. i cannot sleep unless i take the pills and i don't want to take the pills. the good thing about being a secret is that nobody knows that you're even around. you blend in and hear all sorts of things that nobody thinks you can hear. i have a photo album in my head, snapshots of my life that i will not burn. i will only remember them on nights like tonight. i am the kind of girl that never settles in completely. how could i, really? as soon as you tell them all of your secrets, they will leave and take them with you. and you'll have to start all over again. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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