introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- when the girl realizes she's been left in the water and she cannot swim 9:50 a.m. - sixth of april, 2007 "the only times in my life i am so scared. more scared than i ever really recall being. this is not who i am, this person that i'm becoming, the metamorphosis is coming quickly and there are fewer and fewer things about me that i recognize anymore. i didn't realize how much of the way i've seen myself was reflected in how he looked at me. and now that he isn't here to look at me, i see myself for what i am: nothing. so much self-loathing, so much fear and hurt and emptiness in their most elemental forms. he was the one person that was supposed to be here--the one i trusted above everyone else. and now, now when on so many surfaces, i portray a woman finally doing what needs to be done, i am inside hiding so many things. that i am empty and feel nothing...and when i do feel something, it is dark and twisted and i run away from that, too. i waited for him for two years and he left, just like i said he would.(but i didn't really wait, now, did i?) some days, i wonder if i thought that into existence just by saying it out loud, just by fearing it in the first place. and i wish i could blame him for this, but i can't. each thing, our own (un)doing. i am alone and so scared and with nobody to which i can turn just to talk, just to cry. i miss his hands, being held in his arms. but he cannot be that for me anymore and i must be this for myself. its just that i know...have always known...that i'm not the kind of girl with that kind of strength. and i never will be. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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