introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- for the sake of it 11:35 p.m. - 3 august 2013 "oh, if you knew what it meant to me, you would see, too. oh, the unspeakable things..."~dark dark dark today, i spent a lot of time thinking about how much i am thankful for my girlfriends. there are amazing women in my life these days. this has been a year of newness. i am in love with everything. on a late august night, i sit here with ginger beer, some candlelight, music. this is how i've needed saturday to be. it has been more than a year since i wrote anything i felt like keeping, sharing. what happened? i stopped stopping. that is all there is to it. i am practicing for being on vacation. quiet saturday nights are the thing i'm determined to look forward to all week. i will recharge. i will take baths. i will write. i will drink wine and ginger beers and fruited beers and bitter beers. i'm devoted to saturday night. i want the warmth of those around me so badly. i aim to try my hand at porchetta if i can round them all up. food. games. we laugh until we cry. we cry until we laugh. i want this just a few more times before i go. just a few more. stephanie is a hold over of the warmth of new year's eve. i enjoy her company so much. when stephanie explains how to play a game, you get it the first time. when she tells you how to put on your eyeliner and which one to use, she's right and you finally nail it. it's been an interesting little crooked road with My Pal Stephie. i have gotten my haircut regularly like a real girl all year*. I have visited a sephora store more than 5 times in the last 6 months. The same goes for the Body Shop. i've made purchases at both storefronts each time. i own lipstick. i own rubberized nail polish base. i use brushes and liquid eye liner. what the fuck did i let happen to myself? oh, you know. i was just checking it out. i have hair longer than i have in my life. it is my natural color and i ache to cut it off or dye it all the time. i get my eyebrows waxed. i have pretty underwear and beautiful (as opposed to simply functional and economically efficient) bras for the first time in my life. i am 35 years old this year. saying this statement out loud earlier made me cry a little. ha. so yeah, stephie warmed up some girly side of me but i still keep my nails short because my hands still get pretty dirty. in other good things to note: i got bumped into a Yelp! event with Crested Duck (a charcuterie) in Pittsburgh. I'm thinking of taking the pig, rabbit, and lamb butcher classes there. I'm really excited to talk to the owner about it. So this weekend, I got a haircut. i wore dresses on my days off. I painted my nails. i sat under a hair dryer for 2o minutes and just enjoyed the peace and quiet and warmth as the gift it was: silence. i visited the zoo with my friend jennjenn and her young one. i don't know how to behave around baby strollers and what is the etiquette. i went to the zoo with intention...i wanted to take pictures and play with the camera on this phone. i should go back on my own. infants sleep best in strollers when the stroller is moving. lesson learned but i suspect i knew that once. when i drink wine, i remember that long ago glimmer of wanting children. i did not steal the baby gorilla from the zoo as i'd promised everyone. i'm taking my half of plan A and making it happen. i'm biding my time carefully. here, timing will be everything. migration. migration. migration. my eyeballs are looking for employment listings and my savings are growing slowly. my gardens gifted me four beans. they went well with a few pounds of local green beans for dinner. i think i will go back to the zoo alone and skip backwards to the aquarium for an afternoon. i like doing things alone so much and i never GET TO do anything alone. Sean (or someone) is always there. Which is why there is Saturday night now. I'm going to set up the attic. i'm thinking of moving my bed up there so i can sleep on one side of the space & write on the other near the window that my father built for me. i haven't completed the set up up there because i know that when it is done, i will disappear up there forever. i'm taking an old coffee pot up. i could stay up there for days. I can't wait to write from there instead of this creepy old dining room. i wonder if the houses in the west have living breathing character like the weird creaking moldering places here do? my girlfriends have coaxed out of me something like a lady. finally. i'm allowing myself to be the whole woman. i am who i am. i am focusing on the good. we're nearly zero waste in our food consumption now. eating more kale than i could ever grow. the new shift bid is coming up soon and i'm determined to get something that will let me crossfit again. i am still doing squats and pushups and am looking for a kettleball of my own....who am i? oh. yeah, i kind of want to flip tires. i am grounded enough here tonight, though. the candle is bright, the beer is cold, the music is dark dark dark. i can take another week of it before i get to Saturday again when I can practice for vacation. Because grown up vacation is coming. All that blah blah blah is just to say I was so afraid of letting myself act like a lady for all those years because i thought it meant that it was showing i was weak. that, frankly, was dumb as hell. So. there's that. I'm a lady. I like lady things. I also like dirty things, sweaty things, and silence. And the beach. Alone. Silently.** so i'm thinking about this brazillian wax thing. thinking about it. i'm intrigued. it seems like something one should at least do once. that was stephie's advice. i mean. why not? i'm waiting on more feedback. anyway. that's that for now. i'm just getting started. wait until i tell you about this baby gorilla i'm "adopting"*** it's still a little bit too little to be housebroken so...i'm gonna wait awhile before i go pick it up. i've got other things to get to. xo
**except for the seagulls and the waves and stuff, guys. be realistic. ***stealing ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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