introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- just so 1:03 a.m. - 2001-03-30 "where is time taking me?"~train (suprised?) so. i had the longest thursday ever. i got up ten minutes later than usual, after tossing and turning and having some of the worst strange dreams i've remembered in awhile. i think i jinxed myself. i said out loud that i'd not been remembering my dreams for awhile and was glad for it, as they'd been getting entirely too strange. this morning, i dreamt that i illegally took my mother's van for a ride and got lost. i think i'd been driving for five minutes. luckily, i had the trail mate bicycle (and i dont know why that one....although i love that bike in my collection of bikes, its hardly compareable to my nimble.) and parked the car. there was some mess in the rearview mirror that involved a professor i only know to see and some student, that i again, only know to see: both women. i was half compelled to be voyeuristic in my dream but my bicycle (as in real life) is better than watching someone else get laid. i took to the road and sped through an unfamiliar neighborhood of lovely homes with fences that aren't good for anything in front of them. I passed by Free and Tim and two girls I didn't recognize drinking beers and talking over the fence. They didn't recognize me and I was disappointed the same way I sometimes feel when I stroll by Leonard Hall and nobody turns to say hello. (this is probably because i don't hang out nearly as much as i used to. i need paxil, dammit.) I rode on and up a huge grassy hill with unbelieveable ease. I made it home to a house that reminded me of my mother's mother's. I still had to get the car back. At least there was a sparkle of logic to the nightmare. My sister (who rarely appears in my thoughts, let alone dreams) drove myself and Terri Smith (i guess its about time i returned the favour and dreamed her up). We found the van and, for some reason, it never occurred to me to just retrace the route back. We had to drive the bike route. When we got to the grassy hill, I was driving from the passenger side and for some reason, i had to pedal the van (flintstones?) up the hill. I couldn't do it alone. Terri helped pedal from her side. *cd player kicks on. train plays. i wake* I know I made it to the top. I have no idea what it means...but it was the most vivid dream i've had in some time. They shut our cable off today. I slept through the visit of the cable guy. I had a question for him. I've been meaning to ask them if anyone would notice if some distraught cable customer killed them. I wondered if they'd see the humor in that question at eight o'clock in the morning. such are the strange thoughts that muddle around in my head. i got up and showered and belted out ani, as i do every morning. i pondered my dream as i enjoyed the luxery of beating everyone to the shower and sang the lyrics to the live ani tape that has become a shower favourite. i think that everyone should listen to music in the shower that makes them want to be soapy and dancing and singing. we left for class after i'd made a steaming pot of coffee and munched down some quick eggos with strawberry jelly. nacho shared a good orange with me. we made it to class. today was mona lisa day. i never appreciated the painting as much as today. i haven't appreciated that class as much as i would like to say. i'm glad i didn't opt out of going, as was the temptation at eleven o'clock this morning. i wanted to see what other strange dreams i could conjure. i'm glad i went. it was a good class. i have a new fascination with leonardo that i never had before. i never really cared for mona lisa. i don't usually really care for much of the "great masters". i think that there are other wonderful works hardly paid the proper respect. as always, a fool for the underdog. i found new reason to respect and enjoy her. i was to meet marie and marie (my personal favourite lesbians) after class. I got my exam back, though. An F. I want to give up. Ben-Zvi caught up with me. He talked. I listened. I've learned to listen to him when he really wants to talk to me. I learn from him every time. He seems to think that i might have some learning disability. i think its just that i dont' know how to study like i should. i've never had to. things just come easy to me:languages, analytical thinking, most anything. I can't memorize. if there is nothing to associate with what i see, if it doesn't move me, there is nothing that can be done. my head discards it as useless information, even if i try to retain it for testing purposes. i know i can't be the only one with that problem. i try to explain that its been the hardest semester ever for me; that i dont' want to try anymore; that i am ready to give up. he tries to convince me that i am intelligent. this may be true. i know it is. it doesn't mean that a university situation is for me. i'm not meant to sit in classes. i want to learn on my own. i hunger for knowledge but its the sort of knowledge that comes with reading and talking to people who know rather than sitting down and being tested on what i have memorized for the moment. i want to know for forever; i want to understand. i don't want to remember for five minutes so i can get a grade that will get me a piece of paper. lately, that piece of paper doesn't look so appealing or so necessary. things will fall together. i've had more confidence than usual; i've been feeling so good when i'm not feeling so bad. i owe a lot of thanks to Tennessee T. he's given me so much without even realizing it, i think. i am glad to get comfortable in front of my computer and not just to spend a night smoking cigarettes and writing html. i'm glad to have company that i long to come home to at the end of the day. i'm glad for conversations that are not only intriguing and forever interesting but are non-judgemental, upbuilding, and sweet...that sort of sweet that makes me wonder for a few fleeting seconds if i haven't found the one genuine person in the world; the one person honest enough to tell me what he really thinks of me; the only person who understands, even when i'm insane. i've never felt more comfortable or practically impractical. i've never been less afraid of something like this. he said something about self healing being divine. i think he knows the truth: he's so right. i am rediscovering every night, via the wires and circuitboards between us, what it is like to feel an innocent crush again; what it is like to smile like sunshine and get butterflies when i think of someone. i haven't had that in so long because i wasn't ready to let myself have that. sure, there have been boys, but its never been like this. i've never felt more comfortable being me, liking what i like, looking how i look, thinking what i think cuz he's a dork just like me. on my break this evening at work, i heard that silly "teenage dirtbag" song. i don't know if he's ever even heard it but it made me think of him. not cuz he's dirty or anything really having to do with the song....only that the character in the song finds someone a lot like him in someone that he might never have expected. i think that the strange way that i've met him lends an adventerous air to the whole thing that keeps me guessing and forever looking inside, constantly looking in to see if i will really be able to handle what could happen....what could happen. that sounds so suggestive, maybe...but i'm trying to prepare myself for anything. i don't hope for much for i've learned that i won't be disappointed that way. but, on the other side of the heart shaped token, i certainly can't rule anything out....he's certainly worth the flow. he's following his dreams; he makes me feel like i've got real talent, like i might really make it; like i matter. he makes me think. nobody makes me think anymore...they just stare at me and wait for me to amuse them. he is easily amused by my corny jokes, and i am always entertained by the big toothy aol grin and little typed out accents that make me giggle like a stupid frat rat. i'm happy, damnit, and about time. i really needed the time i've had to reflect and look inward; to see the wounds and will them to heal. i only needed time to pick out the shards of an explosive heart that is forever breakable; to rebuild stronger and better and smarter. this feels like some wonderful test and i love exploring the remodeling of my heart. everything is new again and i'm learning to take each day as it comes and i'm learning every day to be happy with the girl in the mirror, with the girl that i've become. i owe so many thanks to good friends and most recently, to good electronic company. yeah, i get to meet him soon. not soon enough. i look forward to roach motel carpets (always the most lovely-tacky...i'm hoping for red.) and excellent music; for a chance to be close to someone who respects and appreciates good music and is equally moved by lyrics that have touched my heart over the year of self-loathing. the very thought of being so close to someone so entirely special blows my m ind and i'm hitting reset on the daydream all the time. i'm hoping for sun. so its late and i'm tired...but he just went to bed an hour or so ago. i've been playing with verbil who has suddenly grasped the entire concept of "fetch" and "let go", so i throw it again and again, testing the trick, looking for the loophole. I think that she knew it was a bad day. I think she knew that she could make me feel better. She always does. When I find Bells, I will strangle her. Then, i will hug her and wish her well. I'm getting down to the deadline. Two days left. I NEED her to answer her phone. She blows me off. I'm disappointed. I miss my friend. I'm scared of who she is becoming. I feel left behind but I dont mind being left out of a world of glamour if it means drugs and meaningless sex with people I don't even want to talk to let alone like; if it means compromising my dreams for even longer for a few weeks or months of empty pleasure. Haven't heard from D since the other day. I think he's better off disregarding me, anyway. He's got a future ahead that involves suits and shaving his face; a future of cell phones and computer cords. I've got something a little more interesting planned for myself. I will never be a corporate baby. Anyway, I wrote this after T went to bed. I can't get him out of my mind. I'm hopin' for another visit. I'm hopin' he sings to me in dreams again. I hope my dreams stay vivid. *hugs to all* Mark. I hope you're feeling better. I love you. Night, cats. ~Just So~ i can picture it just so: i can see the sparkles at your black tie affair; i can feel the glimmer of disco ball darting in my eyes and flickering over my skin. its you on my arm, and i can almost feel the confidence you're planting in me; i can see your smile. i can picture it just so: hardwood dancefloors and tuxes and gowns, the perfect shoes and the perfect boy at my side, making it after all the struggle, making it like i knew he would... and they all turn to look at us, speculating things that only we will ever know, wondering at what's between us: what the girl in the dress with a couple of volumes of verse in print and the boy with the tux with no tails who's been making films that are causing sociology books everwhere to be rewritten could possibly have in common.... and they won't know about jeff buckley and train; about late night dancing bathing in the light of moonbeams to the sweet caramel of billie holiday. and i can picture it just so: hard wood floors and persian rugs, spanish tiles and overstuffed velvet sofas, walls of film, walls of music, secluded in a world that is only ours, coming out from time to time to rub elbows with the other stars. i can picture it just so: my cheeks would never stop aching from the smiles, and i can never stop laughing and even on my worst days, you're there to remind me why i bother; there to remind me why its all alright, cuz with you, it sure feels alright and on your bad days, i'll be there to cook you dinner and curl up next to you and tell you just how okay things are going to be tomorrow. i can picture it just so but only cuz it feels so easy, only cuz it seems like you're on the same road and we've met at some strange intersection inn where we both end up sitting next to each other, waiting for the other at the bar and didn't even realize it til it got close to closing time, long after we'd spent the evening laughing together. there's a lot i have to learn from you, and so much i want to show you in return. and on my horrible days, days like today when i don't wanna even care or carry on, i get a mona lisa smile epiphany, i get a warm flutter in my soul as i picture it: just so. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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