introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- fish on fridays 1pm - thirty first of march, 2001-abandoning restless sleep "what it is. what it feels like."~paxil commercial. "hey by the way, when i fell by your wayside...did i crash or just slide?"~train i'm awake, mostly. perhaps i should've taken some excedrin or something. my head is still pounding after last night. its not that mind wrenching pound, though. its a dull achy groan of a pound in the middle of my skull. i might swallow some pills and nap before work. my sleep has been very restless the last two nights. i talked to my landlord yesterday afternoon. i offered several compromises about verbil. now, all i need is for bells to bring that cage down. i think he digs the cage option. at least that way, she can't be unsupervised and tearing up his property, i guess. i hate the thought of her in a cage when i'm gone because i'm often gone for 8 hours at a time to work. its just not possible to trek back and forth to see her for five minutes on my half hour breaks. maybe if i had the diplomat...but truly, thirty minutes is just not much with which to do anything with any meat to it. well...maybe not anything...but this would just not be practical. i spent the day catering to a puppy and avoiding much conversation with the people who live here. i am forever getting myself worked up over the ignorant lines they drop and they way they make me feel, lately. i don't know when i got so upset with them, when they got so difficult to live with. i sometimes wonder if its really just that its hard to live with me. i suppose BG was right: familiarity DOES breed contempt. I know that Nacho has so much on her mind: her father's illness, her transfer to a new university. She just feels so cold where i used to feel like i had a real friend that i could talk to about things. jess is another story completely. her world is her boyfriend and her car. i don't ever want to have my thoughts distilled to a boy and a car. she hasn't seen much daylight unless he comes and wakes her up (a gross thing in itself to innocent bystanders) and makes her go out. i'll be glad to be away from that. i don't know why it makes me so uncomfortable. maybe its because i'm jealous but i really don't think its that. i'm certainly ready for a relationship, i think....but i could never be happy like that. maybe its because i'm afraid that all relationships eventually turn to that. bah. i know better. so last night, after a quick conversation with the landlord and giving verbil a bath, nathan came with suzie (who i shall from this point on refer to as souxie cuz its more flawless) to get me to go to pittsburgh. Leftover Salmon played at the Beehive in Oakland. We stopped at every sheetz between indiana and pittsburgh. in murrysville, they have a new sheetz carwash. perhaps brian is right. by 2010, sheetz will be selling babies. i love sheetz. we all pooled our dollars and took a highlight trip through the automatic car wash. talk about laughing so hard you feel like you'll never stop. i don't know what amuses me so about automatic carwashes, but that was certainly a HUGE high point of my day. we got back on the road, the car still wet, having not paid for a feature called "vortex dry". we listened to tom waits. we laughed. we screamed at anyone who had a dirty car and drove too close, for fear that they'd get the luxury boat (all of the cool cats drive old luxery cars, i think) dirty again. I've never seen salmon play live but their mix of bluegrass and jam is divine. they played a full two sets, nothing uncommon, i've found, among good jam bands. i'm starting to rather pay my fourteen dollars for a smaller venue smaller band than thirty to fifty for a band that just goes through the motions. i really really hope that bob doesn't let me down in nashville:i've spent years imagining the most perfect show. anyway, we went to Gullifty's for dinner. It was me, and souxie and nathan and lumpy. lumpy is a friend of jakob-who-i-never-see-because-booze-is-better-than-friends. i've met him before, but never got the chance to really jam with him. he's a rad cat. it disturbs me that all of the friends (friends? aquaintances) that i have that like good music are still in high school. it makes me feel old and out of place sometimes. i think this is why i'm so glad for T, sometimes, and his impeccable taste in music. After dinner in Squirrel Hill, we headed to oakland to pick up our tickits (lumpy and i didn't get ours in advance). the show sold out shortly after we were inside. always a good indication of a good show to come. they have a new keyboard player and that beautiful boy has CHOPS. when i found myself running out of energy to dance and let the music move me the way it wanted, it was time again for a keyboard solo and i was rejuvinated once again. music always moves me but at that venue, being so close, its phenomenal. as always, i ended up with eyes closed too long and was moved throughout the crowd and separated from the group i'd come with. i could see them...it didn't matter who i was next to, mostly, so long as i could hear the music. end of first set. second set was lovely. it dragged a bit through the middle and i was running out of steam...three hours of straight dancing and jamming wears me out mentally and physically...but i can never seem to hold still. two encores later, it was over. sometime in the dragging couple of songs, i started to get that self concious feeling creeping in...the one where i suddenly can't move because i have no idea what i'm doing. that drives me insane. i suppose its always been there, but its never been so full effect as it has in the past few months. it doesn't usually even come to mind when i think about going to concerts...i think it was the separation from the cats i knew that set it off, maybe. i couldn't move and this hippy cat i didn't know came and hugged me. he was nice, but he was a stranger and as much as i want to meet new people, as much as i want to be that girl that knows a ton of people in show culture, i can't bring myself to breathe, sometimes. i have to figure out what i can do about it. i don't want the drugs that have been offered me. i don't really believe that this is caused by some chemical. i think its something i've just got to work out. i've got to be more comfortable. it will come. it stopped when the lovely keyboard player played and sang a song i've never heard.....i was madly in love with every gem of a note and couldn't even think; i could only feel the pulses of energy that he played....and all was okay again. music is a powerful drug. we hit the denny's on the way home. dry for cash, i enjoyed water and thought of the peaches n cream oatmeal waiting for me at home, if i had the energy to prepare it. this cat that i don't know sat with us (see, there were two groups of us; about nine people that met up at the show). i won't pretend to have asked what his name was. after he'd called our waiter with the accent a queer and said that everything was gay a few hundred times, i was rather irate. i forget, sometimes, that i'm living in a small town. sometimes, more often than not, small towns breed small minds, i guess. i was ready to go when we did, if not sooner. i don't understand why that bothered me so much. it was just ignorant vocabulary...but he didn't know that i have my gay tendencies and he didn't know that i was sort of sensitive. i get the feeling that maybe i should've said something. i usually would. maybe it was my pounding head, but thats no excuse for tolerance. i should have said something. i should have at least pointed out that maybe there was a better word for what he was trying to get across. i didn't. i hate how silent i can be when i've got pounding thoughts in my head demanding to be reckoned with. i'm a putz. overall, it was a good night except for my stupid attack. i got home and did indeed make the oatmeal and took my puppy out. i'd forgotten i'd given her a bath and when she curled up beside me and lay her head on my arm, a curled up with her and pet her, digging how soft she is. she's a good puppy. i am glad to have her, no matter how much trouble she causes me. i was glad to have visited the city and to have gotten out of this small town, even if only for a few hours. this place makes me so claustrophobic, sometimes. its funny to think that there was a time when i thought that i could make indiana my home. nonsense. pure nonsense. i fell asleep shortly after having read email from Tennessee T. I thought about him a lot last night..about how nice it would have been to have been able to share those sounds with him. maybe i'll have to add some salmon to his tape. oh. and one other thing. i needa send out some big props to the person who sent me that email with that address. that was a very kind thing to do. i intend to use it. it'd be nice to at least see how she's doing now. alright, cats....its excedrin time and then time for work. *hugs to everyone* mark, are you feeling better? tennessee t, i miss you after only one night. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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