introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the lonely spinster this solitary life - 5 august 2014 "a listless intellectual in her prime /scrabble high score: 409 / the note on the bed: "true love is hard to find.""~casiotone for the painfully alone i've withdrawn into my little spiral snail shell, i suppose. it has been days since i stopped to do something quiet and just for me. instead, i've been focusing on making sense of my new home for the first real stretch of time since i arrived. i have a huge pile of broken down cardboard apple boxes that once contained so much of my stuff to show for it. still more boxes piled up by the door to take to goodwill. last night, after moving a couple of huge bookcases that had already been filled with books, i was exhausted. i'd meant to end the night with some reading or writing here or something...anything but finding places for things i'm not even sure i want to keep anymore. instead, i passed out before midnight. aside from a short nap in the hottest part of the afternoon, i worked from around 8am to around 11pm. i probably shouldn't be moving this furniture around on my own but who else is going to do it? so rachel has a place to sleep when she arrives in 2 days. i am looking forward to finally relaxing when she gets here because then...it is what it is. it's been a good long time since i had any company and on one hand, i'm glad for the scrambling to have a place that seems presentable because it has been the motivation i've needed....on the other hand, i've gotten used to living amongst my piles of books and papers and water glasses on the night stand, the cedar chest coffee table...wherever i was when i was thirsty last. everything is straightened up. there are fresh clean sheets on the guest bed. what part of me thought that i could have even entertained company before now? if i'd indeed gone to boston to meet him this past weekend, there is no way i'd be ready for rachel now so i guess it worked out the way it needed to. it's just another thing i've found myself withdrawing from, i guess...i don't feel like i have a lot to to say (or that i should say? shouldn't say? i never know...) and that's what happens, i guess. i get to feeling like i talk too much and so then i just stop talking at all. i never seem to find any real balance and so i get stuck in my head. that isn't so bad, i guess...until i get to the part where i'm talking to myself and over-thinking everything. i've only heard my own voice out loud a few times in the last few days, namely to say thank you to the people at the farmer's market or to the grocery store clerk or to give a half-hearted and probably unnecessary command to the sweetest dog--who has been doing nothing but looking for Orla, the dog next door. i can't even remember the last time i laughed that didn't involve jon stewart or stephen colbert or some episode of this american life i've been streaming while unpacking all those boxes--it seems like there were so many more than there were when it was all said and done. i know that i'll laugh as soon as rachel gets in the car. i don't know how i'm not going to climb walls for the next couple of days to get to that point. oh, yes...i'll clean the bathroom and vinegar wash the wood and walls. that'll keep me busy. the midwife came on saturday. all the talk of immunization schedules and my question about vitamin k injections right at birth...i have a lot to weigh out, i suppose. i wish there were easy answers on these things. good news, though...i've gotten a reasonable okay to try on running which is both a little scary and a lot exciting. aside from sports, the idea of running for the sake of running has always seemed pretty dumb to me. i never saw the point. maybe i'll hate it and just stick with my fast walks but i'm going to try it on. haven't been to the woods in days with all the cleaning and housework but if the weather is good, i expect rachel and i will be there most days when she visits. when she goes home, i'll pull on my sauconys and give C25K a shot. in further recession into bachelorhood, i've been living on breakfast foods and BLTs...the midwife wanted to know why i was only eating BLTs. "because that's all i want to eat." i guess if there's a craving to be had, i could think of worse things, right? last week i ate something like 16 tomatoes and i've had even more this week...in addition to heads of bibb lettuce and nitrate free bacon. it's basically a salad on 2 slices of artisan farmer's market spinach cheddar bread. my mom captured my sentiment: "the BLT season up there is a blink of an eye. get them in when you can." and she's right. the queen anne's lace and the brown-eyed susans are thick on the sides of the highway. the goldenrod is coming in with a flourish and i'm taking my allergy pills again to head off the fall season...ragweed before the tomatoes are ripe? nothing here makes sense. not the weather, not the growing season...nothing. so i'm coming up for air for the first time in days and is suspect nothing will be as i left it days ago....but i'm taking it as it comes. xo, jones ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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