introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- this heart's on fire in the night - 31 july 2014 "it's getting better all the time. this heart's on fire. this heart's on fire. this heart's on fire. "~wolf parade today was one of those overwhelmingly beautiful productive sexy days that i haven't had in awhile. for the last few weeks now, i've felt just slow and awkward and pregnant...and i've hated it. not that i hate this little person in me--no, that's not what i mean. but i'm aware of the muscles in my core stretching, being more slow to respond. i'm aware of my shape shifting and i'm starting to feel like i look pregnant...which is all fine. but i don't want to slow down. not yet. i've spent most of spring and summer getting healthier than i can remember being in years. i've eaten whole foods, i've gotten my fat ass to the woods as often as i could. i've watched my distance increase and the time it takes to cover that distance shorten. when i went to the hospital, i was down for a week and when i returned, my times were back to where they were back in may and i was pretty disappointed. today was the second day back and, even though i wore my barefooters, i managed to shave 6 minutes off the time from saturday so...i'm happy with that. my feet hurt a little but hey, different muscle groups in those shoes and maybe i needed to switch it up after all. so while i still feel as big as a house, i'm a mother trucking house when i'm in those woods and i'm tearing up the trail. even though this baby is starting to take up baby-sized room and i'm aware of the size of my belly growing, the movement in it, and my inability to tighten my core around it...i don't much care what it looks like. it is starting to feel amazing again. with this, something i never thought i'd think let alone share with anyone in the world outside my brains: i think i want to try running. now i know i can't do that now. but walking is feeling more and more and more frustrating the faster i get. i'm on the verge of just running anyway but keep holding back because i know i'm not supposed to...but i'm going to talk to the midwife about that this weekend. if i'm just integrating it slowly (think C25K or something like it) then maybe i can pull it off. i'm pretty in tune with when to stop or when too much is too much so maybe i'll get a go ahead? i'm going to ask, anyway. and then, if it's yes...i'm gonna get some running shoes. i've cleared my head again and things feel good. i feel good. i still have a hell of a crush on that fella but i'm being careful with my heart and i'm content with that. it's nice to have someone about whom i can feel warmly. today, when i returned from the woods and from getting a few groceries to round out my farmer's market scores from last weekend (mostly gone now!) i found cal and chickie picking the ripe blueberries from the bushes in the yard. i let sam in to get at his water and lunch and went back out to help them pick for awhile (mostly nomming what i pulled off the bushes myself, admittedly!) it's like having some adopted grandparents around. they'll be celebrating fifty years together this winter and have the best stories. they tell me i'm glowing and beautiful every time they see me and then assure me that 'he's out there and he's coming for you so you better be ready.' sometimes, i wonder if they're referring to my murderer but i'm pretty sure that's not what they mean. i think they're more concerned with getting me married off than i am which is amusing. i've got someone in my life that has my heart, i assure them--and i mean this little baby. everything after that is just me being lucky. things feel good. rachel comes in a week. midwife appointment this saturday. i have a ton of stuff to do around here before rachel gets here so...that's the weekend yawning before me. it'll be an unpacking dance party extravaganza. hope you're feeling good, too, america. jones ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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