introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- wild goose chase wild goose chase - 23 july 2014 "well i do not love to ramble around. no I don't, i don't. and if that makes me a home loving man, then i am. i am."~dark dark dark it has been more than a week since i've been able to get to the woods and tonight, while the heatwave breaks into rain, it is all i can think about. i need to get there. i need to set some things down, to bury them between those trees where the giants are laid to rest. i need to set some things straight in my head, in my heart. i know where i want to go...to that spot where i found a gully of lady slippers all those weeks and weeks ago. there is a rock there where i can perch comfortably. i feel like i just want to cry, to purge. to start over? things have been good and sad at once. i traded in dolly this morning for a brand new car that is beautiful. there is a little bit of guilt surrounding the circumstances...around which i am having difficulty wrapping my head. i am so incredibly thankful but, at the same time, it has all happened so fast and i'm not sure it's something i really deserve...even if it was something i needed. i'm not sure how to communicate these feelings and the feelings that have been tacked on with them...so i am going to stop trying. i am just accepting things for what they are as graciously and with all the gratitude i can muster. i've been feeling overwhelmingly lonely since those few days in the hospital. my friends were incredible from a great distance, sending messages. rachel sent flowers. michelle came and stayed with me a few hours each day but when she left, there was nobody. i'm not sure what difference it makes whether i am alone at home or was alone in the hospital but i feel so far away from everyone i love. thankfully, october and quasar are days away from a little visit. it will be good to see familiar faces, if only for an afternoon. michelle and i might also drive out to bar harbor this weekend...i'd like to be able to drive my car for more than the 4 or 5 miles to get to work and back to enjoy what it feels like to drive something that doesn't feel held together by sheer hope. something that doesn't have a death rattle to it. something that feels safe for the first time in a long as i can remember. there are a million other things that are bothering me but listing them out would only make me feel more sad, probably...which isn't the point. i am aching to go home....or to go anywhere i might find someone that knows me well enough to give me one of those hugs that just sets things right. for now, i've got the sweetest dog on the planet nudging me lovingly to remind me that we're in this together....and that he really really wants to go to the woods, too. my heart feels tangled up in complicated things and i don't even know where to begin to simplify. like a knot in my hair after a shower, a tiny bird's nest of snarl that might be easier to cut out than to comb out... but i'm not ready to cut anything out. i'm not ready to give up on anything just yet. i'm just stepping back, evaluating. if it's worthwhile, it's worth working for...and i'm a patient enough lady these days. i just don't want to let my heart get stuck in something that turns out to be nothing at all. tomorrow, the woods. xo, ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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