introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- dreams creep in to dreamless sleep - 24 july 2014 "deep in the bosom of the gentle night/is when i search for the light/pick up my pen and start to write/i struggle, fight dark forces in the clear moon light/without fear...insomnia: i can't get no sleep."~faithless i think i let it get too far, guys. and so i'm unplugging myself from it. i've got to focus on things that are here, things that are immediate. i think that the loneliness here was making it very easy to let my daydreams get away from me. practically, i have to call it what it is. another time, a closer place...maybe it would have been any of the things i might've hoped for. but it likely won't...and the sooner i'm more realistic about it, the better it'll be. it's easy to let myself fall for someone that is farther away...they can't hurt me from afar. no, that's not true. they can. despite all my upcoming trips that will take me through the region, something tells me that i won't stop because i won't be invited to do so. something in my gut tells me to know better...and not to set myself up for yet another broken heart. face it, jones...he's probably not that into you. hand in hand with all of it, my dreams are on a rampage. the dreams from last summer are back as they tend to be this time of year. it starts now...and i relive all of it right through december when i remember every detail. i think some of my most crazy moments took place that summer (and there were a lot of them back then.) i don't often think of marie and i partly believe that is because i was never in love with her...not truly. i wanted it to be, maybe. when i've seen her in public since, i have no desire to speak to her. if i saw toby in the grocery store, i would be compelled to stop, to talk. at least i think i would? what could i even say? "you don't get any more chances to break my heart." that was probably the last thing i ever said to him. there have been so many times i've questioned the truth in that statement, admittedly. but like i've said...my past is my past. it made me who i am today but it isn't part of my present tense--and how could it be anyway? more distance between us than there has ever been. he is, in my imagination, in love with a city that could never contain me. and me? i am still looking for home. last night, i was up every single hour, confused by what might have been a dream versus what was actually the case. i dreamt that robert decided to let me buy those tickets after all but that he didn't come to boston. i dreamt that toby got off the bus instead...that we went to the beach, to some fancy restaurant, and that he decided to drive back to bangor with me. it was a hot summer day and the windows were open as we drove on the hot blacktop highway. we laughed deliriously like we did on that trip to nashville before we realized we were probably just dehydrated. i kept waking up so confused and sweating under blankets of sad in which i'd wrapped myself when i got into bed... so it isn't just remembering. it is a weird crosshatch of a wild pregnant imagination, every memory in the codex, and the daydreams i've entertained for weeks. i need my brain to let me rest. to put the past to rest. to help me disconnect from the things i've gotten myself into in these last few weeks... as soon as my eyes close, the curtain goes up and i have a front row seat to the most comedic tragedies my brain has ever written. i need a good night's sleep without this theater playing out... exhaustedly yours, xo, jones ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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