introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the megalomaniac killed my sweet hippy brother headache to bed - twelfth of may, 2003 "i am trying to evolve."~ani difranco you know, i was looking forward to seeing you again. i was hoping you were really coming home for those few months like you said...those few months when you said there'd be plenty of time for us to hang out. i had these visions of you coming to work with me and sleeping on my couch for a few weeks while you earned some money to pay for the walk i was proud you were taking on the appalachian trail. but nothing is like i pictured and you are not the person you were when you came to visit me those few times...when i cooked you dinner, when you came to my parties, when you came down to have a drink and maybe smoke a joint. you were this nice person who had taken to eating food from food co-ops and seaweed...this person that seemed to have been influenced, if only a little bit, by me..this person that i was proud of and looked up to...even if he was my little brother. and now that you're here, i just want for you to leave again. and even though its not the few months you'd promised, i can hardly see through til the end of the week when you'll leave again for whatever charmed life you think you're living up there. you call me an elitist but i don't think you're hearing yourself. you talk in big words that go over everyone's head but i'm not the dolt you take me for and i'm not going to agree with you and worship at your dirty feet and take your opinions for religion. and every time you talk, i don't think you see them nodding blankly and smiling vacant smiles just to appease your need for heirarchy and self-satisfying greatness. because you're just not as great as you think you are. you preach this peace and harmony and music and love and nature but you're still a physics degree and money and bullshit and illusions (and i do mean illusions) of grandeur. you hurt me tonight in a way that i thought we'd put behind us with years of misunderstanding, youth, and siblingship. it burns in my chest and aches in my head and even the motrin can't touch this one. i don't think you realize that they're slowly letting you go and that they slowly stop caring a little more each time. i don't think you realize that i'm one of the only ones here that still reaches out to you when you're not here. i don't think you appreciate the esteem i've been holding you in so recently...because if you did, you might have chosen your words differently. instead, i'm ready for bed and you're watching television with the volume blaring to make what point exactly? you're watching television and i'm trying to see through the week because when you're gone, you're gone to me again. there won't be dinners and nights stays on a couch after high evenings and comradery. believe it or not, but i can see you again for what and who you really are. some things never change. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
||||||
|
||||||