introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- December Reckoning the last good day of the year - thirty first of december, 2001 "language disguises thought. so much so that, from the outward form of the clothing it is impossible to infer the form of the thought beneath it, because the outward form of the clothing is not designed to reveal the form of the body, but for entirely different purposes."~wittgenstein its been ages and the time was finally found this early (dare i call this early? its nearly noon...) while he layed clutching closely to my pillows and murmering a sleepy 'i love you' and falling back to lands of sleep i hardly know these days. but i'm awake and she snapped me back to it. she made it come out of my fingertips and she made it clear my head. (thanks, a.) our house is cold. when we came home last night, the heat had turned itself on. and its snowing now. the little bird, who i've named Popple, that comes to sleep in our aluminum awning had even moved to the kitchen awning for the cold. i left him some thistle seed on the porch. the house is still cold this morning. i've befriended a gorgeous grey cat. that i've named Mouse. he was eating our leftover thanksgiving scraps on the porch and i was angry then, because he'd eaten the turkey but had left the green beans for me to sweep up. we got him some food from the Cash Market on our walk the other day. you know, it was snowing even then. last night, when we came home, he'd eaten it all. i've got a million daydreams of letting him in and keeping him. i've got deluded illusions of a swimming relationship between my dog and my new friend, the cat. all of this reality has taken some getting used to. tom waits hits a nerve with that "all my friends are married" line. no, no, no...its not that i want to be married. in fact, the thought of it still kinds of chills me to the institution, really. its december and its a long adam duritz sort of reckoning i'm doing here. i don't know that its healthy for my mind but i have to believe that i'm better off than i was this time last year--the last good day of the year. December Reckoning when i was writing those letters back in june, i didn't much think she'd understand but she wrote back and i could hardly see the end in sight, the december, but i took those days one at a time and here i am, a little harder for the wear, a little softer for the for the things i've let inside. and he asked me to that party but it was moving day and i tried to make him see that we just weren't going to be able to make it there for the swaree and i haven't heard from him since and its breaking my heart when i twist everything i've ever said against me in my head, when i'm turning tables and concoctiong reasons and counting months. and so he's gotten married and i don't know where to send a card and then there's this certain punky monkey who's handed over the crystal question to a girl he once told me he would tell he loved when the indigo girls sang romeo and juliet. but they didn't, and he told her anyway and he's asked her. and there's all of this speculation in my head about the rest of them that my time forgot like jenn and cj and melissa and frank and the memories of people that i forgot how to talk to. and i am reckoning my regret in my best friend's jeep while the snow pours down and we head up dangerous hills to ice skate in the city and i hold the hand of the man i love and speak easily of my wrongs because i don't even know to where i ought to send apologies or notes, because i don't even know when i left it aside and i wonder if i'll think of them all always- at least in december. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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