introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- look at it coming down after the snow - eleventh of january, 2002 "i say hey, who's goin' my way on that great Alaskan Highway?"~Dan Bern it was really coming down, he said yesterday. and i suppose it was. it didn't stop, anyway, and we got maybe four...five?...inches. my mother called from I80 close-ish to Penn State, having taken my brother back to school. they were getting feet of the stuff, so, comparitively, i suppose we didn't get a lot. but we got some. and he had to keep sweeping the steps because we don't have a shovel yet. or any of that stuff you sprinkle that melts ice and other frozen percipitation companions. we need to get that. so yesterday was spent inside, for the most part. he ventured out for the sweeping of fluffly flakes from the steps and extensive sidewalk to the street. he ventured out for cigarettes and honestly, some days when i've had that much coffee, i could smoke a light. or an ultra light. but when he comes back in, my stomach churns all acidy. and i can't even kiss him and all the thoughts of the glamour of smoking pass. what's happening to me? i need to get some of those ecstacy bidis again. those were nice. sir brian wood joined us later after the afternoon of putting the newly purchased pine wal-mart "prolly gonna fall apart" cd racks together. i was sorting through cds, making sure there were actually discs in the jewel cases and (god, i'm a dork) alphabatizing them at the same time. but i guess we got one of those too tall top heavy ones cuz i was on my knees talking some sort of caffienated gibberish when the whole thing came toppeling over on me. ouch. i made dinner and finally, we three sat down to play some magic. i love our games and sometimes wish it were still dennis and chris and norm and i and maybe thats why i'm ill-spirited sometimes. its not that i don't like my new circle of gaming companions...its just that...winter and fireplaces and the peril of the drive up the country road...made it an adventure. i still harbour those inclinations to be more like dennis, the kindest kindred i've met yet, and like norm, the fairest and most level headed i know. but i'm hopelessly flawed and ridiculous-rooted. we played and i didn't win a game, though i'm happy with the new deck i threw together while potatoes were boiling. sundays are relaxation. until you can't sleep. because i'm stubborn and don't know where any of my animosity is coming from. until you get up at four in the morning because you can't sleep. until you go for a walk in the snow without me and the dog crawls up in the bed where i layed very much awake, wondering what is wrong with me. until she whimpers for you. and i cry for you. til i fall asleep. and its monday and i woke up on the couch. i hardly remember going there. i keep making strange resolutions. things are triggers. adam and laurie and brak at the intersection of Pauls Music and the crosswalk made me want to keep writing. to read more philosophy. to philosophize. being in your town with two of the three most important people in my life and knowing that you were just a block away from where we were dining on haluski and gulumpki and other polish divinity and talking and....talking....made me want to be more forgiving. but to care less. because its like she put it...you don't, so why should we? but i think there's something to that...and i need to let you go more. putting cd racks together made me want to practice saying we and watching you sipping coffee from the orange-tan mug with your hand concealed made me think of years to come. of. forevers. because i do love you. even when i make like i might not. and so there's all of these resolutions floating around in words unspoken...in terms less definitive than most things i've resolved and i think that i'm comfortable with that. not so specific and yet, less likely to be forgotten. there are days to look forward to with ski trips with kindreds, saturday nights in small bars with polish food and beer, quiet days at home watching the snow fall softly to join up with the accumulation already present. and there are days when it will all thaw away and give way to more adventure. most of all, i am determined to have more adventures. until, cats. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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