introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- days go by sleepy early - twenty third of april, 2002 "and does she ever whisper in his ear all her favourite fruit and all the most exotic places they are cultivated in?"~camper von beethoven i don't really have too too much to say, lately. really. i am still unemployed and its wearing its wear on me. that, combined with the unseasonably unseasonable weather (...hell, if it snows one more time this month, i'll start threatening to move...) and you've got yourself a girl that doesn't want to get up in the morning and goes to sleep early at night. pre-eleven o'clock news-early. as in: not even conan. and that same girl hasn't been motivated to do much since saturday. not even motivated enough to take a shower. since saturday morning. wearing the same teeshirt. not that it matters. i don't have any place to be and the only people here in the house that might have issue with it are the dog and the boy and the boy hasn't even been in the same room with me long enough to notice without me mentioning it. so i just don't care. but maybe tomorrow. maybe i'll have some motivation. (ripe.) ...and god, if i don't bleed soon, i swear.... today was all make us tuna sandwiches like a cafeteria worker and resign myself to my afternoon silent mantra of remote control-less afternoon television. resign myself to weaving new twists of hemp into necklaces some pretty girl someplace else will wear. (might wear. i hope.) hunched over tiny beads of glass and wood and ceramic and beads i've made myself, fingers sore, listening unintently to the hours passing by in the voices and pictures of family feud...passions...days of our lives...judge judy...judge judy back to back, lucky me...five o'clock news that repeats itself for an hour, carefully negotiating current weather in the first half and the coveted five day forcast in the second...jeapordy...wheel of...my god, i need to stop this vicious cycle. ten lacey web-chokers later, i am hungry and he has emerged from the office after a hard day of downloading and its time to make couscous for dinner. and a griller because tuna didn't last too long. and it feels like all i've done is eat and sleep and spent mindless hours in front of the television, victim to whatever nbc has to offer me...unarmed with no remote and no will to even care to change the channel. so yeah, i suppose i can relate to you just a little. but not enough. because its not that i don't empathize with your situation. its that. i know that it didn't matter to you. because when something matters to you truly, nothing stops you from getting it. you're obsessive that way. so don't give me all that blah about moods. because i'm moody. because i'm depressed, too. because i'm hurting. because i don't know where i'm going. because where i've been won't stop haunting me. because i'm just as shiftless. because we all have problems. because sometimes, you just have to go outside and face it. because you're the only one that can make you do it. (and because i haven't stopped caring, no matter how many times i tell myself not to. and i know and you know....i never will.) *sigh* ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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