introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the cutter let me down - 8 july 2009 "and shoot me on down--don't you think this isn't killing me? but it's no more than i deserve."~david ford i am dangerously close to sending toby a letter. a long letter. i need someone to set me straight and i think he is the right person to do it. the very core of me has never healed, even after all of this time. a technically perfect laceration that has festered for years...a surgeon's delicate infliction. nothing is better and believe me, its not for want of trying. i turn my back on the tenderness long enough to forget how much it hurts--focusing on anything but how lonely i am, how unreasonably difficult it is to go to sleep and wake up alone, missing our daily grind of ups and downs and unexpected sideways turns. but i always come back, it is always there...whatever closure has happened is there to pick apart, pull open again. fresh blood flows. all of this talk of blood and wounds. dramatic. but this man that i've been seeing has cut himself. a cutter. red flags came down like a ticker-tape parade that morning when i woke to see his bare skin--initials, rows of slashed scars, carvings like some sick sort of art. like everything, i turned my back on the screaming warnings in my head and let this thing happen...and now that i know i can't do it any longer, there are marks on his flesh that are tied to me and i don't know how to carry this. i've been carrying too much. i need to set something down. i miss toby, miss his even way. i hate the pain i cause the men i see now. i want to be held by someone that can tell me that things will be alright. i miss his voice. his smell. the way he knows me so well. but maybe, after all this time, he doesn't know me at all. probable. dangerously close to writing him a letter but then, when i really think about it, i wouldn't know what to say or where to begin. and in the end, it isn't fair to him. in my imagination, he has moved so far beyond this that i would hardly be a blip on the radar. when i look back, i don't even know how i got here. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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