introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- for the record long grey day - ninth of april, 2002 "that kind of thing could float us for a pretty long time."~ani difranco i'm not so high tonight and we spent the day at my mother and father's house doing laundry and waiting for the DSL-man to come and hook up the line. strange days sometimes wait til the very end, when you realize they're nearly over, to really set in on your mind exactly how strange they actually were. this is one of those days. there's all of this stuff i need/want to address...so i guess this is just one of those un-inspired inspirations of mine...a sort of...bookkeeping of memory rather than an excercise in expansive thought. pretension. 1.) i think that people enter and exit our lives at just the right time, whether we want them to or not; whether they are ready for it or not. today, when i looked out that window in the foyer, a pang of "oh, god, what if its a crazy killer or something and i had better check for id rather than just trust the name on that van out in the street" came over me. and i looked. and it was electric blue eyes himself. and i opened the door and greeted him and welcomed him in and let him do his DSL tech job thing and made breakfast for the one i love. and when it was all done and he'd seen the rooms in the house to put those filters on, i hugged him and he left and i sighed a sigh of what felt like relief and smiled inwardly because, in hindsight, i am a lucky girl. today, while my beloved did most of the loads of laundry (he makes the clothes smell so good!) i realized that life with the trenchcoat gentleman with the hat and the gleaming azure eyes could never have been one that would have made me as happy as this one i'm living now. i guess today i realized how much i take him for granted...how much he does for me...and how that could all have been different if i had just gotten a few of the wishes my heart yearned for. things work out. somehow. i just need to learn to let things be. 2. i should've said something about this sooner. i know i'm not any huge deity sort of deal and that some of you dear readers may not even get this far in my ramblings...(maybe i should have made this more towards the top?) but...i appeal now to any that might be fans of Dashboard Confessional. my friend handed us two gratis tickits (a late christmas present) to the show here in pittsburgh. we three went together. if you haven't heard Dashboard, you've missed on some pretty heavy lyrics mixed with heartfelt music that i've been enjoying since the end of last summer or so. i was so excited to see him live (a him who is a band in himself? still confused, i am) and to get to hear some new bands that i've heard might be pretty good, too. laga was packed up with about 500 under eighteen kids pushing and screaming and swirling and talking. it got uncomfortable. so, we went up to the balcony instead and were old...generations apart from these fans who screamed out lyrics and made every heart wrenching line seem empty and saggy like jello left in the fridge too long. just...unable to relate. i was really disappointed and aggravated at a.) the singer because he let the crowd do all of the work and was more concerned with hearing his own words sang back at him and making sure everyone could see his pretty face and less concerned with getting the feeling...the grasping wringing feeling i'd felt all of those months listening to his songs (ie: screaming infidelities, turpentine chaser) across to kids who weren't even old enough to know what infidelity feels like and b.) the fact that there seems to be a trend of performers who, rather than give a good show...a show to tell people about for weeks later...years later...would rather get on stage and count heads and multiply by tickit price and figure the earnings while the audience does the work or, in my case, goes home, jaded. maybe i've just grown to expect a lot from the performers i admire most...those like tori amos, ani difranco, counting crows, sarah mclachlin...people who put every ounce of who they are into every show they give. maybe i've been spoiled. or maybe i'm just lucky. regardless, i don't reccommend the Dashboard show. I do, however, give props to Seafood (who was just alright and not exactly tight yet), The Anniversary (who i liked a bit, yeah), and Ben Kweller (who i actually *adored*!!!!). they made the evening tolerable. and that, friends, is the music review for the month or so. 3. this diaryland-get-together-picnic thingy is a perfect excuse to take toby to toronto. i'm just curious about how many people that i read or that read me would be interested in going. i mean, crap, i'm in pennsylvania, cats, and i'd be willing to drive the five (or nine if toby drives...gah...<3) hours to meet people whose writing i admire. so...i'm sort of excited about the prospect but also a bit cynical because of the distance factor. i think thats it. oh. wait. 4. i quit my job. if you didn't get that. i just gave them my badge and left. i haven't done that since i was like...18. i felt utterly irresponsible but completely freed from the parts of my job that i despised. i hated that i wasn't trained to do what i was expected to do while i watched some of the others enjoy a week or two of training. i hated that in my 90 day probation period, i couldn't call off. even if i was sick. even if i had gotten it from one of the residents. even if i was puking in their meal carts. i don't respect an employer that can't pay me more than a fast food joint but expects me to give them all i've got. i don't respect an employer that doesn't respect me. i'll find something. this time, i've got a little bit more drive, maybe. and finally, 5. anyone that has old records that they wanna get rid of, lemme know. i'm on a record frenzy. i got some good ones at the goodwill..(bob marley's 'kaya', grateful dead's 'dead set', james taylor's 'gorilla', and a bill cosby number.)...but i want more, damnit. jazz. folky. anything. i've rambled on enough. i think i just needed to clear the air, however in my head the air may be. er. proverbial air, that is. until cats. i hope buds are bursting where you are. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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