introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K

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try anything twice

high noon sun - 21 july 2022

" what's broken can always be fixed; what's fixed will always be broken."~jens lekman

this must be some kind of stasis. some kind of floating purgatory.

in march of 2021 i lost most of my ability to read and comprehend, especially in times of any stress or with distractions. my ability to read books for pleasure was gone months before that. i quietly switched to books of poetry instead of novels for awhile. then i gave up altogether. there was awhile last fall...i had a routine going where i was able to study for a certification i want to get. things felt like maybe they were getting better. i was able to quiz myself at the end of a module and was getting better at recalling what i'd consumed. then a letter came and my company and i separated several days after my 5 year anniversary, sending the progress i'd made into a tailspin.

i've fought dragons, she said. and it's probably true. every time i take a phone call from or place one to an insurance provider, medical provider, or to case workers, i raise my sword. because it is a fight. if you cannot advocate for yourself they won't just destroy you. they will smother you with the force of invisibility.

yesterday, a threshold. after an onslaught of medications and therapy...after finding the most incredible therapist only to have to find a new one because of insurance changes...after changing psychiatrists twice and explaining everything from the beginning so many times that i have lost track of when the story begins and how we got to now at this point...i have reached stasis.

i'm still not reading. i'm barely writing. but i'm hopeful.

i will not settle for maintenance. and thats all this has been for a few months now. up the meds. change the meds. up the meds. wait. wait. wait. my frustration has finally ignited. tell me what to do to be able to read and understand and multitask and do all the things that i could do before all of this started. telling anyone about my week is getting so redundant and boring that i can't even stand to talk about it. nothing is changing. nothing is getting better. there has to be something else we can do to get my brain to work and therapy--which i have relied on for years--is not helping. i've asked for over a year for adhd testing and been brushed aside...mainly because it will take a long time to get in. a year for an appointment? thanks covid.

so i told them i'm getting a lawyer to do the paperwork now because i can't do it myself. i told them if they can't get me out of this phase of just getting by i have to move on to find someone who will. i'm not giving up on my brain. i know what i'm capable of doing and this....isn't the limit of my life.

so why am i back here? maybe writing something will help. i'll try anything. even this.

xo,
jones

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.what came before. - .what happened next.

brain candy - 1august 2o22
games - 26 july 2o22
climate change campouts - 23 july 2o22
insomnia - 22 july 2o22
try anything twice - 21 july 2022

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