introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- twentyfourseven 02:59 a.m. - 2001-03-21 "its a narrow margin...just room enough for regret...in the inch and a half between hey, how've you been and can i kiss you yet? so we talk like nervous neighbors over a tall fence...true love but for the lack of providence"~ani difranco alright, cats. so, its tuesdaynightwednesdaymorning...that time of the day when its still dark and one never knows whether its today, yesterday, or tomorrow. maybe its all three. anyway, i'm sick sick sick. really, its just a cold, but its more misery that i just don't need, really. i've got too much i need to do this week. regardless of my body's reluctance to be healthy, my head is feeling really clear now and i'm on a long good mood streak. i have to toss it up to Tennessee T for that one....and i feel a little better having gotten some of the truth out about the previously mentioned crush on him. i've been doing a lot of thinking about relationships. i think that spring is a time when people really need to be in love with someone, maybe. maybe its not really NEED, but instead, instinct. i think its high time that i met someone with some of the same interests, the same basic values, a whole lot of honesty, a great sense of humor, and the maturity that only comes with a growing bald spot and growing pains. i haven't felt so strangly connected on as many levels in awhile and its a good feeling. still, i'm doing some inner battle with the whole practicality thing. when have i really ever been known to be practical? i have fallen for boys in other countries and across my own continent. i think the practicality issue lies in that i respect his dreams of californian movie studios and his need to change the world. who knows why paths cross when they do? i'm glad to have the computer company and the conversations that verge on...on what? is that flirting? i can't say that i mind. Tennessee T, you not only make me smile sooooo much, you make me wanna kiss you. Uh. Heh. Whew. So, on the other hand....I've got to consider whats going on in my own back yard. The real life boy that I could just as easily reach out and touch and cuddle with and hold hands on the couch with....is pretty constantly in the back of my mind, but with different reason. I mean...how can you jump into something like a relationship if you don't even really know the person? I'm torturing myself back and forth with this, tangoing with logic and emotion...the logic knowing that hey, he deserves a fair chance and the emotion saying that right now, virtual boys seem a little safer. I just don't know. Perhaps another cup of coffee to chase this NyQuil. And, finally, there is the situation with D in Nottingham. I leave for England in nearly two months. My passport application goes out this Saturday. My station in Penzance is more and more appealing every day. The desire to hike the length of the country is growing stronger and the need to travel out of this one horse for every fifteen mullet town is getting to be something to be reckoned with. I know that I'll meet him when I go, along with the other cats from Green Room 96. God. Its hard to believe that its really been that long. I feel like I know these guys and I can't wait to get to a real english pub to down pints with the boys that made me laugh so hard and get up so early. The problem remains and I don't know what will happen, but I've got a pretty good idea: nothing. I have already gotten used to the idea of coming home, feeling all the better that things worked out the way they did. Anyway, I am sick, but I promised some poetry this entry, and I don't always welsh. ;o) ~24/7~ Maybe if he wasn't here out of convenience or maybe if he cared a little bit more about the mundane details of my everyday days.... the twenty-four-seven stop-n-shop that only gets some action when there's a hold up at the register... and maybe if he wasn't writing kisses and i love you's out of fear of losing me rather than simply emotion or the need to let me know that he was about to explode if he couldn't tell me how he felt.... cuz i've been wanting something a little more honest, i've been wanting something a little more real. i've been wanting something to connect to on seven levels of heaven rather than the common need for company. and i know that he has things he needs to do, but that doesn't fill my bed... and when he's off letting his best friends girl kiss his lips, it bothers me.... cuz thats not how best friends respect each other in my book; no, thats not the best way to let me know you love me, either. and i know you were being honest, and trying to keep it all out in the open, but those are your lips and you do what you please, cuz i'm starting to realize that there wasn't ever really much but a warm feeling and companionship, and maybe, just maybe, that was only in my head? cuz you were running away from something and i was giving you someplace to call home, but you are all about running, aren't you? and you don't want a home, you want a place to rest for the night, a warm body to take away some innocence, and lips to tangle up with yours to let you know you're not as bad as you've been told you were before.... but maybe its not my lips that should rest there, cuz i'm learning to remember how things were before you made me melt inside, i'm learning to listen to my heart a little more, to realize that there is someone inside this shell, inside this hardened package that is a little bit softer, a little bit gentler, a little bit happier some days. i've been seeing sunshine on cloudy days, and seeing colour where there's grey. and there's this soul just south of here with a few hundred stories i'd like to hear, with a few hundred songs that he could sing along, with a family sedan and some dreams that intersect with the ones that i've been dreaming up daytime. and maybe he's not the one i'll fall so hard for, but i'm falling just the same... and maybe there is more to my tomorrows than i can even forsee just now... but the very fact that i can't handle someone else's lips on yours when you tell the story so matter of fact, when you make the news seem so light... the fact that i'm learning to live without you before i've learned to live with you is telling me something, i figure... and its time to cut with the pretending, to cut out the coupleship of convenience, the partnership of miles, the togetherness of being alone.... cuz i'm ready for something solid, for something that i can chew on, for something more common than emptiness and familiar saddness.... he only comes around when its convenient, like i'm a twenty-four-seven-stop-n-shop ready to serve.... he doesn't care enough for the everyday details of my every day and i think its time to survey the premisces, i think its high time i got out of the business. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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