introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i think last night you were driving circles around me. ees very late. - fifth of april, 2001: tom waitsing it til dawn- he went to bed early again. i know he needs his sleep and he only goes once i've had my fix; once i've shared my day and heard some of his. he is becoming my regular addiction. i could get used to this clean happy high; i could get used to laughing like this. he did some survey that she'd sent him. i don't think about her too often except to wonder what more she could have possibly needed. i only need to smile and to know that he is smiling, too; to know that he is there and for him to know that i, too, am here for him. sometimes, i forget that she was there at all except to know that she helped make him who he is now....there's that pesky determinism again. but she did make so much of him, so much that i'm coming to adore. although she rarely occurs to me other than to know that she exists, on those rare occasions when she comes to mind, (when the bells and whistles are supposed to be going off?) i wonder what she was like. i wonder did she smile. i wonder did she enjoy the sunrise or the moonlight or know the names of the birds he loves. i wonder if she told him gently or whether she told him with an icy piercing tone. i wonder if she sleeps soundly. and then, i try not to think of her. its strange that i've become somewhat protective. it is my role to play the uncompassionate person, but i can't help it for him and i'm spilling floods of it from the flask i've kept capped so tightly for so long. (should i tell him about the flask?) regardless. there is this part of me that wants to wrap him up in happiness and show him the colours after the rain, to show him the safety in moonlight. there is something that wants to know every wonderful story, to learn how he sees the world, how he interprets the sense data with which he is bombarded. there is part of me that wants to squeeze his hand in mine to make sure that he is real; to let him know that i'm nearby. i don't know what transformation this is; what metamorphisis i undergo. it wasn't a survey, but more of a personality test much like the ones found in those teen magazines. i'm convinced that the teens themselves write these things to make you feel silly and question everything you know about yourself, and yet, i bit the hook with ease, loving picking apart (in an almost psychoanalytic nature) the thoughts i have beneath the thoughts i have; the assumed realities; the taken for granteds. the colors blew me away most of all. yellow made me think of nacho. survey says: someone you will always remember. orange, brian m and sunshine=sunburn. survey: oh, i don't remember that one..but it was true. white, mark. survey speaks: your emotional twin. (INDEED.) red-him. someone you really love. heh. lets just say someone that i really adore....utterly. damned personality tests. his favourite bread is sourdough. that is my favourite toast. ask any indiana eatnpark waitress. every day, its further and further, deeper and deeper. its so eerily wonderful that i don't question it anymore. i just sit back and watch what happens. i suppose i should go to bed to get up early and enjoy the sunshine; to get my fix of vitamin c in the form of warm rays on my face. tomorrow, nacho will cut my hair for the first time since the glass hearted boy broke my heart; for the first time since i shaved it in my ashes and sackcloth mourning. i will keep this hair, i think, as a reminder that things always grow back (except for maybe his hair...oh, i'm getting mushy)and as a reminder that nothing is so final. i want to read that old poem i wrote so many months ago: breaking delilah. i want to remember the growth rings. i'm going to go to sleep early...early...three fifteen. and yes, Oreo, darling, i shall be sleeping naked. "why?" its comfortable, lately. goodnight, cats. be well. enjoy the sunshine. ~thoughts of you, after you've long fallen asleep~ you did it again, you made me want to hold you and watch you sleep. i dont know how you do it or what color means what anymore, you shuffle every thought i'd filed as valid and make me reconsider and i love the exploration of everything i thought i knew about me. you did it again, you made me want to hold your hand, you made me want to stay awake for hours and ponder the things you've said to me. you made me want to consider my dreams and take them seriously. you made me smile. you did it again, you know. you do it every time. i don't know how you managed to find me at my core, at the molten magma centre that blows steam from time to time like that little prince and his volcanos: you somehow managed through the mist and forged into the very heart of me, the very pulse. you did it again, baby and i like that you're here... i like that you called me sweetheart... i value every second like i value every next breath; i have come not to fall into you, but to fall with you, like leaning back to back and holding the other up... i want to see you shine and shimmer, i want to see you glow... and i want to thank you every time you make me flutter: i haven't fluttered like this before. you did it again, and you made me want to hold you so close, to tell you that sunday will come sooner, to let you know i'm real, that i'm not going anywhere.... to make you see how happy you make me just knowing you're smiling, just knowing you're thinking, just knowing you're at the other end of the line. and when you grew sleepy, when your lids grew weak with the day, you did it again.... made me want to kiss you goodnight and curl up at your side, safely; to let you know that i'll be there tomorrow, and the tomorrow after that, and again on every tomorrow that i have left. and when i picture you sleeping, i picture you gleaming, with the purest blue shining from you as you dream... the purest peace... and when i think of how soft your smile might be by moonlight, i get a certain warmth that makes my heart curl close to its pictures of you, to gently stroke the beautiful place where you've somehow managed to touch it. and i don't know how you found me so quickly, but i am glad that you did. you did it again, you sent me soaring, sent me dreaming and dizzy, rambling and ridiculous, and me. you let me be me til the last line.... and there is nothing sweeter than the way you laugh in my imagination, or the way your skin is warm when i hold your hand in my head.... and i've never felt more beautiful or felt my eyes shine light so brightly than i do when you make me smile. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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