introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K

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the breakdown

streaming and sleepy - ninth of september, 2002

"there's the sun going down creating that florescent glow reminding me i'll never be able to relive this day except in memory"~red house painters

i was thinking about those things you said the other day...well, not actually said, persae, because you never actually say anything like that. i was thinking about those things you said and my response that i hastily scribbled in your guestbook...and i think i've been rethinking the whole thing. because i don't feel like i might have let on. in fact, i feel quite different.

and its funny, because i was really fooling myself to believe that i felt forgiving. but, more simply put, i don't. not even close.

the past, however lovely to stroll along its flowery paths, is still the past.

perhaps i ought to address the issues you, yourself, brought up and address them in order. yes. that.

to begin with, i want you to know that i tried as hard as i could to keep the gaps between us small and forever crossable...like leaping over a small stream. i even threw a few rocks for stepping stones into the span between us but they were never very sturdy and i found myself perpetually falling into the distance, soaking wet and miserable in spirit. in essence, your constant negatory answers and pretended busy-ness made me sad because you made me feel like i wasn't worth turning off the reality television shows and putting down the chips and con queso and getting up off the couch to come out and spend some time with. you made me feel like i was less worthy than smoking pot and staying in. and, although you enjoy a good bout with self inflicted depression, i can't do that anymore. because i have that self control...i can say, "no. i will not be treated like this. i will spend my time well with others who make me feel good about myself." and thats what i did. so yes, you're the one that drifted and, for a time, i was the one that was capsized, calling you for a few hours of your time to come and save me and stop me from being sad, but i righted myself. and now, you're like a chunk of ice that drifted from the mainland, remembered from time to time. and here i am, sailing, remembering you when i need to...when i need to remember who i am and where i come from. because parts of me came from you.

you mentioned that you thought that none of us truly believed the mantra we speak, "you don't care so we don't care". but its true. its exactly true. its the nail on the head. its the x marks the spot. its right on. so i think you're kidding yourself if you think we just say it to bother you. because i, for one, do not. because you somewhere along the line, that selfish part of you just grew and grew and you stopped caring about anything but the here and now and yourself. and thats fine, for you, perhaps. but when it hurts others, its not fine. and you hurt us. not just me or pewse...but other people, too. people who believed in you. people who enjoyed your friendship. but its done. and the fact remains: you don't care. because you never gave me any reason to believe you started caring again. and for that reason, i don't care. i just can't anymore...because it hurts too much to give a shit anymore. it hurts to know that you're waiting for something better to come along. because you always are, these days. and i think that if you keep waiting, you're going to miss out on a lot of those good times you say you miss so much. but thats not my problem anymore and it stopped being so when i realized that your apologies are empty, insincere, and self serving. maybe its time you heard that.

but let me finish before your blood boils, okay?

i think its really unfair for you to say that toby replaced you. because nobody could replace you. he is my lover and my friend. he is there at night to sleep next to and share everything about me because there are some things that only he will ever want to know or understand. but he's my friend in a different sense than you ever could have been and you, of all people, should understand that. i mean...i guess what i'm getting at is that its a sorry excuse to blame toby for your distance. did i become distant when you lived those years with your lover? did i ever begrudge his coming along? the road is one that goes two ways here and i think that you're being strangely selfish. we all have to pay our dues and have our less than perfect relationships before we find someone and i feel like you would begrudge me this happienss...and what kind of friend would do that? maybe a friend that doesn't know love of his own yet? you aren't the only one to have been jealous of toby and i could excuse that if the situation had been different when it was reversed. but the fact is, i embraced your lover as a friend of my own for those years....not for love of him, to begin with, but for love of you.

and there's more.

i don't understand how you can blame toby for making you feel like an outsider. it is unfathomable to me how someone who says little but notices everything could make you feel uncomfortable...how someone taken hundreds of miles from his element for this love could make you, the indigenous one, feel the outsider. so maybe that needs to be explained to me, i think, because it doesn't make any sense...and sounds more like an excuse than a truth.

i know i'm not the same person i was years ago. i have fun but i find fun in the mundane. i make my own good times and enjoy the hours given me. i live a full life and make the most of what's given me...or try to. but i can still laugh and i can still carry on as well as any twenty five year old drama queen that still thinks he's 18. i laugh til i cry. i smile like the sun. and i cry with the passion of a thunderstorm.

i guess what i'm saying is that i agree that there is way too much distance between us now...but i don't propose to know how to close the gap. it'll probably have a lot to do with introspection on both of our sides...and some coming to terms and huge chunk of being honest.

yeah, all of those things that you mentioned were special to me and i'm not saying that they ever stopped being special or that i ever stopped enjoying the occasional look back.

all i'm saying is that i won't be the one making the phone ring this time. no, i've been that route and it left me sad and wet in puddles of tears and heartbreak. instead, i offer an open line and frankness. i won't lie to salve your ego anymore. and i won't lie and say its okay when its not. and i won't sit around waiting, either. because i understand if this gig isn't for you anymore. people move on. its natural. but most of all, i think i want to remind you that the past, however lovely to stroll along its flowery paths, is still the past.