introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- in this heat -27 days til nobody likes me - second of august-start the coundown "you know its true, we're both the same. in a storm of words we get lost in what is said."~voltaire i've been giving some thought to how things have taken a turn in my corner of nonspace. where there were poems and lines of impromptu freestyle, there are stream of conciousness essays and letters and memoirs. i'm too young to have memoirs. i want to return to the purity with which i began. i need this for me again. its not a pep talk or a love letter and it is...its paradoxal. its not a thank you card or a reminder to take your medicine. its selfishness and eyes and heart and beautiful emotions and ugly aggressions and a girl's eye view of a world unfolding. and so i follow your lead on this one, darling boy. you had it right and reminded me of the focus...reminded me of the reasons. that having been said, i don't see how i can NOT talk about the things that happen around me and tear at my thoughts and insides. that having been said.... i don't know if you know how many poems i've written for your inspiration and the way you make me feel and think and be. i don't always feel like you know if you realize how important you've become to me over the years. i try to tell you but i know it makes you uncomfortable. sometimes, its like trying to get you to rub my belly and ask the wise jabba a question: impossible. this one is one i want to share with you because i think you need to start realizing. mark, this is for you. FIRE TOWER i don't think you always remember that i'd be broken into a million pieces if you weren't here to laugh with me and cry with me and take those mindless drives in loops on the highway and back roads and listen to songs that you put onto some cd and named with one word... and even though they weren't always songs i could sing along with, they always seemed to be just the thing.... they always seemed to be the Salve. i don't think you always realize that if it hadn't been for some of those visits and drives, i might not even be breathing this moment in, fallen victim to the predator of my own thoughts and driving firey emotions that burn inside me like blowtorches gone wild. sometimes, i cannot be contained and you put me out and get me into some semblence of control. you have been the stones around my fire pit for so many years and i don't think you even realize. and now its your turn to need the borders and buckets of water to purge you as your flames and saddness rise up to the very tops of your trees.... and sometimes i get the feeling as though you've set up a roadblock that won't let my emergency vehicles come racing towards you to the rescue. sometimes, i get the feeling that you like to let me watch, standing so close with all of the help i have to offer. sometimes, in the heat of your self-imposed slow-roast demise, i feel my brow singe in frustration as the sparks fly in the same trails repeating and repeating, the flames licking the same paths and crackling in the same rhythms every day, the story never changes and you won't let us help you write new chapters. sometimes, i think you'd like to let it all just burn down to nothingness, not even leaving us the black crumbling ash to fertilize the grounds of our tomorrows. yes, sometimes, you are like a forest fire that won't be put out for all the good it would do you. yes, sometimes, my most peculiar friend, i wonder if you ever realized what it was like for me to hike along your trails and learn the curves and bends in your heart and i've only just begun to explore your mind. sometimes, my most cheshire of aquaintances, i wonder if you realize how very much you've meant along the way. and i sit here now, and listen to what you say... i read the words you write and i hear you call them friends and hear you say you're having so much fun and hear you tell us what you'll wear like you're autumn leaves dancing on wind. but i won't be fooled... those reds and yellows you wear are not the truths of fall but the fires of exchanging one amusement for another, just another thing to pass the time to fill the empty space in your clearings. don't you see that they are as temporary as the tempermental clouds that roll overhead, promising rain one moment to cool and soothe and bringing lightning with the storms that only ignite more of these dark thoughts? don't you see that these drinks aren't keeping you hydrated but breaking the bank and masking the alarm at hand? i don't think you always remember that i'd be broken into a million pieces if you weren't here to laugh with me and cry with me and i sit here as close as you'll let me approach and i watch you slowly willfully destroying yourself, convinced that the lakes are dry and the rivers spent while i stand here with buckets sloshing. let me put you out. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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