introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- back to work back to work - 22 january 2015 "and oh welcome to this world, have as much fun as you would like while helping others have as much fun as you are having. be kind to those you love, and be kind to those you don't...but for god's sake you gotta be kind...and respectful because we're all one soul. be the best fucking human you could be!"~andrew jackson jihad today was my first day returning to work after my maternity leave. our nanny called and asked if she could come over early and pick him up rather than my meeting her...i ached to lose an extra hour with him before i left for work. she understood...she was anxious to start and i was just...anxious. i'd planned my morning schedule carefully to be able to feed him just before we headed out the door--there is some rattling in my brain about you're not supposed to drop off at day care hungry or with a dirty diaper or any of that so i'm trying to be really polite. i have a sense that she is more laid back than that...i mean obviously. this is partly why i chose her. we're flexible enough people to figure this out. so she came in, the door was open for her. i got to feed him before i showed her how to strap him into this particular flavor of baby carrier. i sent her off with a bag of things she'll need for him and they were barely out of the drive before i was crying and getting into my own car. we waited at the same stoplight and the car my little son was in turned left and i went straight and got on the highway, blinking away tears. i arrived at my desk and my boss was already there--he's never early so i wonder now if he was expecting a crying snotty mess of a mother on her first day back. when he asked how i was doing, the tears started again but i settled in in a few minutes when the first texted pictures arrived. he didn't look thrilled and i took a secret pleasure in knowing that he's happiest when he's with me. i love him more than i'll ever have words to express. but i do hope he smiles and laughs for her because i know she's already in love with him, too. and like that, i was back to work. over 2000 emails to sort out and, for the most part, delete. i set up rules for the future to have most of the crap auto-delete. i'd have done it sooner if i'd ever had the time. it took most of eight hours to sort it all out. i've got a few more days off the phones before i get to it again, america...and then i'm here for you again. i hope you enjoyed your holiday. i know i enjoyed my time away, for the most part. messages from friends checking in made my phone jump a little and gave me a happy distraction from the most boring emails of all time. in passing, i'd mentioned to don that i was looking half-seriously at the nashville center for a transfer...i could find myself a cowboy and settle down. he assured me that he hadn't seen one cowboy since he'd been there...only hipsters. sounds about right, i suppose. and anyway, i'm not really looking for a cowboy, either. "there are seriously zero interesting dudes or ladies here[...]i've been single for a year almost! [...] i like it. don't get me wrong...but come on." "i can't believe we are already approaching on a year since the center closed." "i know. i mean...i grew a baby...that takes longer than like...corn. so it's been awhile." it's been awhile. now that i'm back in bangor and i'm not x months pregnant, i feel like i could probably settle in a little bit. i don't have all of this explaining to do when it comes down to it. i could, if i find a sitter, manage a night out easily. my neighbors are incredible but i think i could go out and meet people my own age and it'd be good for me. or i could just go to that lactation support group but i suppose my thinking is that i want to carve out a little teeny bit of me-time in all of this. i'm a mom full time...but i'm still me, as i've said from the beginning. so maybe this hat is back in the ring. maybe i'm going to give it a try. maybe. we'll see. the weather will invariably warm and i'll want someone to spend time with. it has been nearly a year...but i am, as ever, in no rush. i like this slow deliberate thing i've got going on. i've learned some incredible things about myself in this past year. so it's back to work. i was hoping he'd be awake so i could feed him one time before bed but he was totally zonked and so i put him down to sleep for the night and landed...here. my thoughts are pretty scattered when i do finally stop for the night but i'm a happy kind of exhausted. i count my blessings that i've got a little guy that doesn't fuss or cry too much and who sleeps through the night undisturbed. it's like he knows...he knows i've needed something to go well and so we work it out...together. work is going to just be this thing that happens in the in-between...i'm devoted to this little guy's smile, those sweet baby noises, and teaching him how to be a kind, gentle, curious, resourceful little human being. everything else that comes along? well...that'll just be all the more joy for us to share, i suppose. xo, ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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