introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- let it rain they tell me its thursday - twenty first of february, 2002 "[insert pulsingly quick hypnotic breathless drum beats here]" i just ate way too much way too fast. well, not just...but over the period of two hours. we spent the day lounging about in the greyness of the rain that is supposed to turn into slush or ice and possibly snow tonight. this morning. whatever. we didn't answer the phone and a bunch of people called. troy from that place. brian. my mother. twice. i finished another book, this third in the anne of green gables series. he wrapped in the brown bedspread my aunt gave us on our visit north to syracuse and fell asleep in my persimmon chair with the strange stuffed seat in front of the news which, while i read, straining my eyes to the dim cloudy light in the bedroom, insisited on looping and looping til it just seemed like a disc on repeat rather than....anything worthwhile. except when they talked about dan pearl....which was when my heart panged strangely because i still don't know how to put emotion to that. i distance myself further each day...with each hour. i find myself reaching out...reaching out for the phone but never finding the nerve to pick it up, lest someone shatter this very delicately balanced world i've begun to create....reaching out for my books to fall into them, escaping the reality that i know, evenutally, i must face....reaching out for his soft, clean flesh wrapped in soft cotton as we lay in bed together as the lights of town come up and the sun, who spent the day shrouded in heavy cold ashen clouds, goes down for another night....reaching out for his soft skin, my ears straining to hear his breath, his heartbeat....his voice...and when that is over, the closeness disperses with the cold all too soon and we are clothed again and running to the car in the rain.... more distance. i spin the space between myself and everything else like spinning skeins of casimere yarn, soft and expensive. he is trying so hard, too, and i know this...with the seeming sorts of ultimatums regarding ice cream and our way of living.... "something has to change. lets start with ourselves." but something in me is just too tangled in something else for me to see past laying down to sleep again. my mother sent two emails to tell us about a job fair tomorrow and i know that i have to go. i've got those extra copies of my resume printed on the resume white linen paper and a few rather generic cover letters. tomorrow morning, should i be able to pull myself from between the soft warm sheets, will be ritualistic and hopeful, perhaps. we shall see. we ran to the store and got pints of ice cream: tiramisu for me and ben and jerry's 'everything but the..." for him. i had the hardest time choosing between the deep dish apple pie and my final selection and that bothers me that these are my " t o u g h " decisions. more distance. and then, mcdonald's for dinner to take home, rushing to see the glutton bowl. somehow, i felt as though eating sticks of butter and testicles and brains....couldn't possibly be as bad as what we were ingesting....guilt. and so we sat, rooted in front of the television for yet another day gone by. by god, its nearing the end of february. i haven't watched this much television in years. my mind rots slowly. the distance is getting unbearable and i don't even remember when i started drifting off like one of those icebergs from antartica. unlike them, however, i am mindful of getting in the way of the ships' routes. i just don't want to be in your way. there is so much i haven't done this week, saturated in my own self loathing and now, they're telling me that tomorrow is friday. oish. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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