introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K

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fade away from me

12:56 a.m. - 2008-03-21

"do you remember when we used to drive with the windows down? Do you remember how i used to hold you when the lights went out? do you remember when we looked up at the stars and listened to the waves come down? remember the good times."~joe purdy

i've lost a lot of the formatting, i suppose. when did things get all play-it-by-ear? i can't say that i hate it but sometimes, in the pit of it, there is still that certain dull empty ache like hot garbage at the curb in summer where you gag a little from it...which makes you gag again.

its just that in the week or two, i caught myself laughing and mixing in just fine. i've been smiling and i am so comfortable in this body, so at ease.

i've been given a second chance here and i am grabbing at it and not letting go. when he left the first time, i was demolished nearly completely.

in the mornings, months later, i still thought of him when i stood in the shower washing my hair, hands sudsy with shampoo. i would wonder if he'd started his day, imagine the smell of his skin when he sleeps, the scent of his upper lip, the warmth of his breath. i cried in the shower very often. over time, i suppose it started to wash away a little bit.

in the evenings, i'd crawl into the middle of the bed and it took a long time to completely relearn to sleep alone. it would be a lie to say that for months afterwards i didn't curl up in a nest of pillows in some hope of a surrogate for his arms, for him next to me. it was guilty consolation and in the end, it just somehow faded, too, and i slept for the sake of being tired. i still thought of him, sure, but it was usually a fleeting moment the more i reconciled myself to things being the way they had become. he was gone. i learned to accept it.

no other person has slept in my bed since he left. coming back again, as if out of thin air...only not really coming back in the sense that he came back...just sending a note and phone calls every day and tears and all of this pain mixed with forgiving. there's been another woman and how do you overlook that? but there had been another woman with me, too, hadn't there? but mine...i remind myself...was not a secret. nearly a year later, finding out. all of those weeks of guilt and in the end, had i known....

but what does it matter. working it out as best we could at this distance, i suppose we were.

while so much changed for me, he jumped feet first into something new and didn't give his heart any time to mend. he just needed something new, i guess. i just needed something old and familiar. i found an old sweater. he found a new city.

and now i'm in a singular sense again and i suppose, if you catch me in those moments, its really clear how this clarity has found me. i laugh freely. i worry less about how the story ends. i let it go.

he's been off to st. louis for two weeks for work. he called sunday morning and we talked and that was enough. its just that...when it comes time to hang up these days, my heart aches because i know i'm giving it up again, whether he realizes that or not. this thing about him...this thing where we are friends...is possibly impossible for me. i loved him too much and maybe i still do. okay, sure, i still do. but i know what's better for me now and what's better for me now is letting it go because how many chances does someone give someone else to break their heart? i told him no more chances and i have a strength brewing in the pit of my stomach where the fresh air hits in recognizable difference from the weeks before and there's something in me that just knows.

that just knows.
that just knows that eventually, the calls will fade like the
tears ran down the drain and the
sleep came
a little more peacefully and without
imaginary escort.

something in me just knows and i see what is in front of me. i have so much for which i am thankful and i am thankful most of all for the lessons i learn. the more i learn, the less disaster i repeat.

...and eventually, it really does fade...away...

and sometimes, on those rare occasions, a small piece will surface and i'll stop and i'll smile, maybe...and i'll wonder where he is, what he's doing, if he's happy. a rare occasion but not one that i'll push away.

things fade away on their own.

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.what came before. - .what happened next.

a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017
baseball season to football season, abbreviated - 25 september 2017
the doodles - 11 july 2017
at arm's length - 4 july 2017
like a sea-mammal needs a bicycle - 30 may 2017

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