introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

unlocked

unlocked - 27 july 2014

"but my heart is wild, and my bones are steel and I could kill you with my bare hands if i was free."~phosphorescent

america, i feel like i let you down for a few hours today. for the first time in all the years i've been writing here, i locked this journal up tightly. but it was just for a little while until i could figure out what was practical. i don't intend to do it again.

this morning, i received an email from the baby's father in which he states he has moved back to florida to be with his family, that he is an alcoholic, and, as ever, the chorus of wanting to be a better man and a parent to this baby. i suppose it wasn't difficult for him to know what to say when he'd been reading all these pages of words, some of which he spoke to directly in his email. i have reached a breaking point on patience with this man who shows up when it suits him but never follows through with a single promise he has ever made.

today, i spent a lot of time reflecting...i have written here for as long as i can remember (maybe 15 years on and off?) because it was a place for me to put my thoughts, to journal, and really just a place to get me started at writing anything so i could write something worthwhile elsewhere...stories, poems, whatever i might be into at the time. it has become a time capsule, a chronicle of where i have been...of who i have been and who i am becoming. it has been a wonderful and tragic love story, a story with a terrible broken heart that probably never mended wholly. it has been a story of trials, errors, successes, and failures. when it comes down to it, this has been a safe place for me and i'm not about to let one man and his fickle interests and trolling change that. like i've mentioned before, i've felt bullied off the internet in some cases by ian...and i'm not about to let that happen. i've got nothing to hide here and i refuse to lock this up if one thing could be useful to someone who stumbles on it accidentally. this is a place where i put my truths and i am not ashamed of them. if anything, he probably found a more honest picture of my feelings about him because my responses to him have been polite and mindful and as kind as i could possibly be, given the circumstances. i have weighed my words carefully when writing to him where here, i feel like i've been more true to the anger and frustration of what it is to have to interact with him.

so my instagram feeds, my online profile on okc, and here...all are back and active if only to show that i will not be silenced by a troll. i will not hide thing things that have brought me the outlet i've needed at my most difficult times or the place to put those happy days so i'll never forget them. in the end, the things that are online are for me...and i'm happy to share them with anyone because, as ever, i've got nothing to hide.

it took me an afternoon to level my head to respond with words that were not meant to be cruel but that were meant to clearly state the case of how i feel, of what i expect moving forward. i will not accept the blame for his problems. as i've told him, i've hardly had the luxury to fuck off for a few months and cope with all that's happening to me. instead, i've stepped up, been proactive, gotten into some parenting classes, searched for the resources that i'll need as i begin a wholly new and unexpected chapter of my life. all i want is for us to be left alone...myself, the baby, my community of love and support.

so while i'm nursing a little bit of a disappointed heart of my own on the home-front, while i'm negotiating nights of dreams that are so vivid that they seem real only to wake up and find that they are not...while i'm getting back in to my routines after last weekend's hospital stay, i've had to take on one more episode of his garbage...and i'm done with it. i wash my hands of it. i've got a full plate of things with which to contend. i have never failed to recognize what is important here: this baby. everything else will sort itself out.

there are those people from my past from whom i'd welcome a note, a conversation, a talk after all this time. ian is not one of those people. there are days when i wonder if he is always going to be there, waiting in the wings to drop another sandbag on my head, to disrupt the peacefulness around me that i'm working so hard to create. i'm getting the feeling that i'm going to be forced to take steps that i'd rather not but this has to stop.

he has proven unsafe, unreliable, and unfit to be a parent to this child. this child will not want for love with only one parent, this much i know is true.

so i'm here. i'm here to stay. i won't lock myself away again because he is having another episode of regret and the subsequent excuses that come along with them.

xo,
jones


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

.what came before. - .what happened next.

a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017
baseball season to football season, abbreviated - 25 september 2017
the doodles - 11 july 2017
at arm's length - 4 july 2017
like a sea-mammal needs a bicycle - 30 may 2017

latest entry

about me

catalogue

notes

DiaryLand

random entry

other diaries:

kraven
non-descript
heartshaped
fuschia