introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the wrong day to wear a thong thong th-thong thong thong - third of august urinalysis :n. pl. u�ri�nal�y�ses (-sz) Laboratory analysis of urine, used to aid in the diagnosis of disease or to detect the presence of a specific substance, such as an illegal drug.~dictionary.com august second. that was the official date they gave me. i was beginning to wonder if the woman had completely forgotten that she told me two weeks...if she'd decided to keep me forever in temp to perm limbo, always wanting benefits, always wondering if the office with my name by the door was really mine or if it was just some temporary tease, with false promises of health insurance and 401ks. but yesterday i signed the letter. it was a version of the letter that they gave my best friend when it was his job, with a few citrus twists that only my boss could have penned. "you will report to me." cold. but everything else has been fairly warm...especially my urine. they set me up with a few tests and checks...they hoops of fire through which i must somersault: urinalysis, physical, hearing test, background check. i shimmied through all but the background check this morning. the air was thick with haze and little beads of sweat broke from my forehead as i drove the less than five miles to the office where they'd test my pee and see if i could stand up straight and hear tones from a dog whistle. i'd downed about three cups of hot tea in the two hours i'd been there. (note: i do not drink small cups of tea. i drink soupbowl cups of tea. soup-cauldrons of tea.) i wanted to be sure i could pee on demand. i felt the first urges to run for the bathroom as i walked the entire length of the parking lot to the air conditioned sterile-smelling hospital office. i rang the little dog bell outside of the receptionist window and took her clipboard of a hundred or so possible ailments known to today's medical-man and began checking off any drugs i might have consumed in the past X months for those conditions i might have experienced in the past Y months. it was an algebra nightmare compounded with fight-or-flight mechanism...a mechanism that was highly recommending i fly for the nearest toilet. she took my clipboard and told me to wait. i met my share of truck drivers and asphalt-haulers. i met a girl who works for some environmental office which escapes me now. i met a woman who worked for a company that molds respirators for the government. (i didn't even know there was a pittsburgh based company that made those.) i heard their views on politics, how long they had until they could shove their fuckin' jobs and retire...how they fought in 'Nam and Korea. how they hate W. how they were staunch democrats who voted for W. how they were in that office waiting for their turn to pee every six months and their company calls that random?! it was delightful except for the fact that my legs were tapping to the music they play on bad waiting-room radio stations...all delilah after dark only its before 10AM. my feet bounced with an urge to make a run for it and to hold back the floods that were aching to come. an hour and a half. thats how long it took before they finally let me pee. "think you can fill a cup up to this line?" i grabbed the cup, tossing the well-known rules of the piss test over my shoulder back at the poor woman who just wanted a few milliliters of my tazo-caffienated urine: "i know. don't wash my hands. don't flush the toilet. fill it up to the line. got it." i breathed a sigh of relief. my bladder sighed, too. now. some of you might not know this. gone are the days where analysis takes a week or more to get the results. these newfangled days, we're able to test in mere seconds. a piece of paper and maybe swirl around in the cup for good measure and they can tell you what opiate you've been ingesting. amazing. a negative result on the drug ingestion (thank you thank you) and the hoops kept coming. she fastened me into some earphones and, just like in grade-school, i was raising my hand for the side of my head from which the tone was coming. out of the headphones and standing in front of an eye chart and i was reading Z D E C F L B P B T for the woman like a champ. and if that weren't enough! she took me to a room and handed me a gown. "everything but your bra and underwear. it opens in the back." I had hardly shimmied into the thing when the rap on the door came. he came too quickly for me to dwell too long on the thought that 1.) nobody told me i was getting a strip down to your underwear physical. WHEN was i ever going to need to wear just my underwear to work anyway? this was when i began to wonder what they were really up to and 2.) i certainly picked the wrong day to wear a thong. i mean...sure, a thong is a sexy enough piece of underwear. it is a miraculous thing when you're wearing a skirt because your boss' boss' boss is there and you certainly don't want embarassing panty lines. but seriously....when it comes to uncomfortable cold physician's standing behind you when your gown is open in the back....well, all i could think was that I PICKED THE WRONG DAY TO WEAR A THONG. the doctor routinely ran down a list of conditions and ailments like a list of dressings at a diner: honey-mustard, creamy italian, ranch, light ranch, oil and vinegar, thousand island, blue cheese (extra charge), or french? no? great! pull my finger! and he was out the door as quickly as he came in. i didn't even get to tell him to hold the mayo. and so, we wait for the background check results to come back. i know and you know that there is nothing in my past of which i ought to be ashamed. heck, most of the bad stuff is laughable now, right? i mean, really, kids....what human resources director WOULDN'T think my past was just plain checkerboard-funny? we shall see. for now...i'm on my way. i can practically see direct deposits and production bonuses and dollar for dollar 401ks in my folio. for now, the 'urinalysis negative' will hang on my refrigerator to remind me that, should i ever have to do this again, i ought not to worry about drinking so many fluids. and not to wear a thong to any physical, regardless of how quick and simple they tell me it is going to be. thats all for now, kittens. be well. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
||||||
|
||||||