introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- better than okay two days til my birthday - twenty seventh of august, 2002 "everything in its right place."~radiohead i feel like i've been selfish or something. i feel like i haven't got much right to be too happy. and its not like its this overwhelming happiness. its more of a happy that comes in soft waves. its like comparting presque isle and the waves of lake erie to the waves of the atlantic: there is no comparison. its been two years since i left school and when she called me from her new apartment on gompers avenue not far from where i lived in my first apartment that fall semester with brian m before he went to england, i felt a little bit of jealousy creep in. maybe more thana little bit. but its not that vicious jealousy that eats at a person...it was just a little bit of my being proud of her for sticking with it when i got burned out...it was the little bit of regret for not getting to california like i'd hoped to and giving it all up for nothing. but i don't think its been nothing. no, i think its definitely been something. because i've had these two years to settle into a relationship that will stand the test of time. if we can make it through a year like we've had, we can make it through anything. of this, i am convinced. so don't you worry, baby. because i'm not worrying. when i think of where i was this time last summer, its almost incredible the distance covered. newness all over the place....living with the man i love. having my dog and my life and my job at the factory. i mean, it wasn't all it was cracked up to be but it was certainly character building. and then the layoff and the five months of depression and ice cream dinners. and then, finally mustering the little bit of motivation to go out there and find something better besides soap opera talk show days and infomercial nights. and i've got it. so, jobwise, i'm content, i suppose. i feel like it could be a step towards a carreer girl future...towards something good...towards some fufillment that only i can provide for me. i feel like finally, maybe all of that tinkering with computers those years ago that cost me so much are finally paying off, at least in small ways. and i feel like i'm growing, too, as a professional. which is amusing. i learn more every day. and i like the learning process. i still have my faults and i still have my downfalls and i still have my vices, for sure. but they're things that aren't so overwhelming anymore, perhaps. yeah, i've still got my sad days. i've still got my tomorrow i'm going to kill myself royal tenenbaum days and nights. i've still got this ache of lonlieness when he's gone to work. i've still got this evaluative nagging voice in the back of my head that names true friends and a heart that aches for people that have drifted and dwindled in my life. people that i thought were as solid as forever that have vaporized from my reality. and i guess this is growing up. and yeah, it hurts a little. sometimes, it hurts a lot. but all in all, i'm still learning. and i'm still looking forward to things to come. to school. to a degree. to a family. to the good things. and getting through the bad times. but all in all, i feel generally good. i feel like this on cool nights...when there's a breeze and i can hear the trains coming from miles away. and i want to smoke a joint and drink some coffee and just listen to the world breathe for awhile. on a night like tonight, everything just seems okay. no. on a night like tonight, everything just seems better than okay. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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