introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- flip my switch 3:30 or so pm. - twenty sixth of april, 2001-blue skies- wowza. hings have never been happier. things have never been more pleasing. shall we? "you can get anything you want at alice's resteraunt."~arlow guthrie so. yesterday was the best day i've had in a WHILE. but before we get to yesterday, i guess i should give a brief blerb of all of the goings on that led up to yesterday being so grand. i woke up on tuesday at the ass crack of dawn...er...well, seven a.m. to me, that is *damned* early, considering that i needn't be up on any given day til about eleven thirty and if i forgoe the luxury of a shower and hot breakfast, then i can even stay curled up in my lonely comfortable bed til nearly past noon. i got up and walked the dog a bit because i knew that she wouldn't get much walking with me bein' gone all day. heather came around nine thirty after a bout with the hookers at the head start uptown who had towed her car. yes, i realize its a head start...but at eight in the morning, thats a hell of a head start. don't little kids need sleep past that hour? so they towed her car and we were a little late getting on the road. the rain was coming down pretty steady as we piled in, the two of us, into her car with our granola and fruit and other wonderful road trip munchables and got on the road. we were headed to DC to set up heather's display for the national competition of theatre type folks. (she did the makeup for Fortinbras last semester and it was pretty damned amazing...hence her making it to nationals.) when i agreed to accompany her to DC, i had no idea why we were going. i didn't much care: i am always game for a road trip. the further south we got, the more my allergies recognized the change of climate and, more importantly, the change in foliage (the branches were so heavy with flowers that they bowed as if ready to break; the flowers on the ground were thick and gorgeous like a blanket over the earth that had, only weeks ago, been cold and frozen and barren and hopeless). i took some benedryl. i fought the "make you go to sleep" agent in the over the counter hystimine blocker as best i could before i dozed for some time. we were to be on the same highway for eighty or so miles. it wasn't a big deal. we found the kennedy centre without issue, so long as you, like i, don't consider a few wrong turns to be "much issue". We found it and, after paying an atrotious ten dollars for parking, we found the room and heather began to set up her display while i watched the other people for a bit and read gatsby a bit, as well. i haven't had much time to read lately and i was glad for the oppertunity to delve into it for awhile. a rather irritating girl (woman? should i refer to us as women now?) kept coming to our table and to the table next to us bothering and bitching, it seemed to me. "i'm from l.a. we are from l.a." she kept saying. "yes," i thought. "how nice for you. i'm not from l.a. i will be moving to san diego soon. are all of you this obnoxiously irritating? i might reroute." perhaps i've been testy lately. damn the lunar cycles and the menstrual cycles of the women (girls?) that i live with. i'm somewhat glad that this year is coming to an end. their influence on my hormones is becoming extremely too strong. i know that they don't mean it and that its not something that can be helped, but i'll be glad to be easy going again with only my own hormones to answer to. ah, yes...but she was very irritating and i found it ideal to sink deeper into my book and not dwell too long on how much i'd rather have T come to san diego than rub elbows with people that don't deserve him. eh. i should really stop that...that sort of selfish thinking. the ride home was gorgeous. we stopped at a sheetz just over the maryland border and headed further north towards home. i fell asleep at some point, the drugs taking a firm hold on my ability to keep my lids open. somewhere along the line, we got lost. i imagine it was in breezwood, the truck stop capitol of the world. regardless, we were a great deal closer to state college than i'd hoped we'd be, driving along the bud shuster highway. when i saw the sign, i plunged backwards in time to december when we'd driven up to pick my brother up from penn state. we turned around and checked the map and righted our course. i was aching to get home and finally sleep for the night, knowing that T was in Mississippi, there was no rush to make friends with my computer. I rather liked that he was road tripping while i was. it was nice to be able to share the thought of him driving and enjoying a trip (i rarely forget my road trips or road buddies) at the same time as i, that we would have stories to swap and adventures and characters to compare. it made me happy. as we drove down, monday afternoon, the warm sun beat through the windshield and i felt my lips curl into a smile, imagining that, for a moment, he was driving while i slept instead of heather. i find myself imagining spending time with him more often than i'd ever expected and its not frightening or taking me aback, but instead, warming my thoughts and my heart. i am a mushball, but i am a happy mushball. i did finally make it home and talked with brian for a little bit on the phone. i miss him, although its only been a few weekends. i ache to sit down with him and plan a route, to sit down and figure out a date, a secure plan, something more concrete. i am glad that we are really going. i am happy when i say it out loud. i love the thought of being "so west coast"; of being close to a different ocean completely. yesterday was simply gorgeous. the clouds found better places to be and there wasn't a trace of the rain that had settled over the town just the day before. i slept sort of late, but not too late to enjoy the day. heather and corey had papers and classes and couldn't go to Yellow Creek. I called around and messaged a few folks on instant messenger before Mikey responded and agreed to go. After a trip out to the devil....er...Wal-Mart to get hot dog buns and for him to get his oil changed (which didn't happen and was sort of irritating but nonetheless, an adventure as trips to only walmart can be) we were on our way to Blue Spruce Park, a close compromise with a smaller body of water than Yellow Creek. We tried to start a fire in the barbeque. Ha. This is great. Imagine, if you will, a gay male around twenty years of age and a shaved headed bisexual and her dog. Imagine the fishermen sitting around the "lake" watching. Imagine the breeze laughing through the trees. Imagine my dismay to find that the lighter fluid in my magic charcoal must have dried out or evaporated over the endless winter. I was sure that all was for nothing and the lovely picnic dinner that i'd so looked forward to was not to be. and then, the most amazing thing happened. now, i'm not one to often stereotype, but listen: when you see a beautiful gay man in the woods, its strange enough. stranger still is when this gorgeous boy can actually start a fire with twigs and leaves that rages and lights the charcoal, *regardless* of the fact that there is no lighter fluid. I had to laugh. He was using terms like "teepee" in reference to the way we should set up the twigs and sticks that i was scurrying to collect. Sure, i knew what he was talking about, but i found it rather amusing to know that he knew what he was talking about. I was pleased and happy and impressed with Mikey, Lord of the Forest, Survival Technique Extroidinaire. I was happy. In Mikey, I think I've found someone that i can really talk to about stupid things that i can't talk to other people around here about. I was able to talk about my crush on a boy i've never met before and not feel stupid or ridiculous because Mikey knows and has been in my shoes. We bantered back and forth over excellent hot dogs, salt and vinegar chips (that didn't taste like anything at all, really) and Mountain Lightning soda ( a cheap devil version of Mountain DEW). We fed the last two hot dog buns to the geese and ducks, laughing and talking. I loved being outside; I loved being outside with Mikey. It was a good time and i was happy. Upon my return, T was online and back from his trip. I was glad to see his name pop up on my screen. I was elated, really. I didn't realize how much i'd actually missed him. I was complete again, in a sense....knowing that he was on the other end...that the person that I'm falling madly in love with was there and that all of the imagining and whatiffs and day dreams could stop because he was really there to talk to. I feel more alive than I have in months. I mean...yes, i've been happier lately. Yes, I've been content and making great decisions that make me happy. But last night, last night...something clicked in me that was new and exciting and wonderful and good and sweet. Its like nothing I've ever known or felt in my life and I am enjoying it. Last night, I think I learned what it really felt like to be in love. Last night, I was happier than I've ever been in my life...and it hasn't stopped. I took a walk after T went to bed and felt the roundness of the planet as i looked at the clear skies and the abundance of stars. Last night, my eyes grew brighter...a brightness that they've never known. Last night, something overcame me and it hasn't gone away and I don't want it to. I'm so happy. I hope that everyone finds this sort of happiness that I've found, if even for a few moments. Its a glow. Its a buzz. Its a comfortable warmth. Be well, cats. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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