introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- that bit about the camel's back woke up new - 3 march 2o15 "i feel the sun on my back...i smell the earth in my skin...i see the sky above me like a full recovery..."~liz phair last night, after i'd gotten the baby into the warmth of the house without waking him and then into bed, i stepped back outside with sammy. the wind has been whipping for a few days, the snow has been blowing and swirling everywhere; the drifts look like hokusai tidal waves. the sky has been the brightest blue i can ever remember seeing...the blue i fell in love with that afternoon we drove down to winterport last march. we'd gone looking for an apartment and found nothing worthwhile but gosh, it was a beautiful drive. it was the first time i'd seen a river so heaved up and frozen. from the tides, i learned later. the night skies here are so clear that i have been enjoying them with my binoculars some nights. my father's fancy telescope is inside in need of a software update but i'm saving it for summer at acadia. i'm hopeful. so many stars here...stars i've never seen before. last night was transparent, the moon waxing fat and feeling close like a bedside lamp. i turned off the light by the door and stood outside in the wind. the sound of the blowing snow skidding across the frozen crust and my dog sniffing the shrinking borders of the driveway were the only noise. for more than a week now, most nights, i've come home feeling pretty angry. these car ride conversations with my aunt are too much...so i'm taking a little break tonight. everything just feels so fucking heavy. that has to change. things are looking a little hopeful. i just need to keep figuring out the details carefully. i don't want to be sidetracked by an angry side mission of unproductive unkind conversation. last night, she started in on my parents again, talking shit with a graveled tone of seething hate...and i ended it. i didn't even try to respond. i just told her i had to go and said goodnight. at least i told her i was going to hang up on her this time, i suppose. what i need right now is useful upbuilding conversation. i need to feel like people i love are behind me right now...not working against me. i know she has a lot to be angry about because that's part of grief but there is no reason i have to be the recipient of all the venom at the end of the night. so i'm calling it. i'm taking a few days off. as i stood out in the cold, i took a moment from all of my immediate puzzles and just thought about how far i've come. the first of my new glasses arrived last week and that was a pretty big deal for me. it took me most of the year to find the exact frames again but here they are. the frames remind me of my grandmother's glasses in a picture that was taken at my mother's graduation, maybe? when he'd crumpled them in his hands the frames snapped, the lenses cracked. i knew i'd replace them eventually. i was more concerned about how we'd get home from the laundromat if i couldn't see. i'd squinted the whole way home. it wasn't a far drive, just over the mountain. i knew it was the last time i'd let something like that happen again. replacing these glasses was strangely like getting something back of myself that belonged to me. it feels like part of me clawed out of a very bad place. i might've found a roommate...invited him for dinner this saturday night and to see the place and talk about how this would work. i've got my eye out for other places on the edge of town. the more woodsy the better. maybe with a real fireplace. more likely a normal old apartment with a little kitchen and wall to wall carpet. gross. i spend so little time at home except in winter that i'm not too worried. home is where we land at night, really. as long as my bed waits for me at the end of the night and there is a place to cook some food, the rest is negotiable. still, it doesn't hurt to have a fantasy of the ideal home sweet home, either. i've written a lot about sad angry things lately and it has brought my other writing to a screeching halt and i hate it. defending myself against all that poison is important and i think a break is in order. i don't want to go to bed feeling like that anymore. instead, i'm going to spend my nights this week cleaning and coming up with something nice to make for dinner saturday. he'll be the first guest i'll have here that isn't my own family or the landlord and his wife or rachel so i'm a little excited for company. i want to open the windows for a little bit and let some of the fresh air in. it's time to clean out the xibalbans from this space and make it a place of refuge again. i've caught my stride. it took a little time. now i have to clean up the mess. i came in from the cold and shut the door. sammy went to the bedroom door, curled up in front of it and fell asleep, snoring, forever guarding the room where my little guy happens to be. sometimes a good windy night is cleansing. i breathed in a few frigid breaths of the arctic air and felt a lot of my frustration blow away when i exhaled. there is enough good energy here to heal everything if i'd only let it. i'm not going home without a fight. love and warmth from the wild places, xo, ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
||||||
|
||||||