introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- spoken for only now with time to think - 31 january 2010 "i promise you this winter i will worship you like gold."~tom petty & the heartbreakers there were two fellas i was particularly interested in meeting, admittedly. one lives in pittsburgh, the other in morgantown. both made me laugh during conversations, both were from the dating site i've been frequenting occasionally. morgantown-the-man, as i'd come to call him in my head, started seeing someone but only casually and it was then that i realized that he is the sort of fella who can only manage casual. his parents are divorced and thats just how things go with him. it became really clear. the atheist-jew was a younger fella and i was particularly fond of him, though i'm not sure why. he is entirely too hip for me. i am a dull girl, i think...or maybe he just made me feel like that. i don't know. he's seeing someone, too. oddly, he knew shawn, the last guy i saw for one-night-only. ugh. this is so not worth it. and now, i've got these connections...bridges i want to burn. i have been mature and graceful and wished them the best. it seems like the right thing to do to bow out so they don't have to have any record of us having ever crossed digital paths and yet...to do so seems like a childish thing (or i worry that it would be, anyway.) so what now? new lessons learned: no more digital connections before a date. in more ugly news, there is a fella not so far from here that wants to meet but this would be a purely sexual relationship...something i'm not entirely sure if i'm comfortable with yet. no, no. i'm not comfortable with this at all. i want someone to spend the night. i want someone to wake up with. i want someone to share my life with. that is no path to go down. i know better. and yet, who knows what choice i'll make come wednesday. i am a coward. i am a lonely girl. i am a whore. i am still broken. i still think of him every day. when does this stop? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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