introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- seven days to south quiet friday night - 13 september 2014 "i wanted to kiss you but i wasn't sure how...like those indians lost in the rain forest...forced to drag burning wood wherever they went...they all had forgotten how to start a fire."~the handsome family they're telling me the weather here is sliding into fall and that it isn't going to warm up again. some insist there might be a 'four day stretch of indian summer' in late september. the leaves are turning so quickly....the blueberry bushes which i'd mostly stripped just last week are turning red with the cool nights and shorter days. there are small hard crab-apples falling in the driveway barely missing my neighbor's suv windshield. the pears are falling soft from the tree at the side of the house. i'm wearing sandals as often as i can and hoping to get a few more weeks in before i have to start wearing real shoes like a winter-human again. my body is changing so quickly at this point that i barely know what to make of it. today marked the beginning of my eighth month. i've spent the entire week aware of the new milestone. my body barely feels like it belongs to me. everything feels firmer or softer than it might normally be and i catch myself in the shower each morning noticing the new ways my body changed since just the day before. when we hugged goodbye, he said he didn't want to squish me. it was worth a second try. i joked that i haven't figured out how to dishes yet let alone hug--which is entirely true. each day, i'm puzzled at how to do something new. god help me if i get parked in again...it'll be quite fantastic to watch me try to climb in from the passenger's seat at this point. for all the changes, though, i'm more fascinated by my body than i can ever remember being--the baby reminds me of my body almost constantly now, kicking and nestling into a new position here or there. as intrigued as i am with all of this metamorphosis, i barely recognize myself when i see my reflection...but when i finally recognize me, what i see makes me happy, just the same. i feel like i've crossed some threshold inside myself...a good thing. i'm more centered than i've been in months and i know it. i'm getting good at one day at a time. his email didn't shake my day. it was just one in an incessant and needy and unnecessary string of them but it's the first time he has seemed reasonable since the beginning. promises to pay his debts--all of them. nudging comments at child support for which i haven't asked. i know better now than to believe it until i see it...still, he sent something this week and followed through--even if something was $30. "better than a kick in the pants," my mother said. yup. better than that, mom. one day at a time. i'm not opening myself up to any more damage and i'm being careful and protective. i want nothing to do with him but am glad in the knowledge that i'm not sent on a spiraling crash of worry and depression when the inevitable messages come. i file them away quietly and go about my day. i've got plenty on my plate to keep me busy. work and getting ready to leave for a week...sam has his reservation for the kennel. i hate that i'm boarding him for the first time since i brought him home nine years ago. i can't ask the neighbors or cal to watch him for so long--it makes sense for him to get more attention than i could ask my few friends here to give him. i hate being away from him for so long. i miss his snoring and sweet drool-y hound face that only smells faintly of skunk. i made a reservation for a room in eastern upstate new york to stop for the night on the way to see my aunt. i've got to order lobster to take to syracuse and erie. i've got baking to do...there are certain family members of mine who'll expect bacon chocolate chip cookies to eat before breakfast and i've been craving those peppermint patty brownies but know better than to make them for just me....so maybe those. pack up the rub for the pork shoulders. i keep thinking of what i should be doing to close the house up. i've never left a place behind unoccupied this long before. i keep thinking about what i'll want it to look like when i come home. looking out for future-jones, you know? so i'm tired but i'm working hard. i've got a ton to do but my mind wanders to a certain fella on whom i have quite a crush. i am aware that he probably knows more about me than i know about him. the art of asking, i guess. i can't wait to see that face again, though. it won't be long. one week left...and then i'm leaving this town behind for an adventure. no, it won't be long, now before i get to make my way home. xo, ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
||||||
|
||||||