introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i sleep soundly... 3am - fourth of april, 2001: nightwatching, "and love love love is a dangerous drug. you have to receive it and you still can't get enough of the stuff."~eurhythmics i held my breath and watched for the sign off message. its strange how well trained our bodies becomes to react to the things that happen: my heart sank. i already missed him. i'd spent a great deal of time thinking about him all day. i had looked forward to those few moments all day and now, they were already over. the cycle begins again. backtrack to earlier in the evening. after posting my last, i donned my sweater and orange (i say persimmon...its so much more beautiful) fleece vest, packed my last few cigarettes into my pocket, threw a random notebook into my blue messenger bag, mixed a little milk and sugar into the freshly brewed coffee, popped the lid on the thermo-cup, pet and hugged my sweetest most adorable dog goodbye, and headed out the door. (whew.) it was raining, but the sun was in full effect. i like to walk in that sort of pleasing rain. i craned my neck and looked for a rainbow, but there was none. i saw the spectrum, instead, in the droplets that formed on the lenses of my tortise shell glasses. i smiled and lit one of the four remaining cigarettes (counting my lucky one) and walked down our alley (which is really a street but barely). i crossed the giant eagle parking lot and the rain stopped as quickly as it had started. i crossed the most dangerous intersection in town with the ease that comes with doing it every day for a year and clomped on towards campus. i like the colors of things after it rains, especially in rain like that. everything seems so clean and clear and bright as if trying to outdo the clamoring ominous clouds rolling away. i smelled the air. i had arrived much sooner than i expected. i walk much faster when my thoughts are rambling on and on. i arrived very early: the old flourescent lights in room one o' one, wilson hall, were barely getting bright and two of the hc cats that i don't really like so much were there. i took another cigarette and the said coffee outside to enjoy the last of the evenings light outside. i found a dry spot on the concrete seats that are built into the walkway and hill. they are pleasant, and rarely vacant. i climbed up and sat on the back of one and smoked my cigarette and enjoyed my coffee and the quiet of the grove just before it floods with evening class students and study hour sorostitutes and frat rats. there must've been a dozen or so robins mulling about the ground in front of me and calling from the stark oaks with buds that look like they will burst into tiny green sprigs any day now. they were doing bird things that are so often amusing to me. i cannot look at a bird and wonder how it feels about not having hands. i love how they listen to the ground and hear those big juicy earthworms creeping in the earth. i love to watch them pluck them from the wet ground and devour them. and then, as if to stir me from the thoughts, they all started talking at once: conversing, no doubt, about how very delectable worms are this time of year, all plump and tasty. der kommissar came across the grove as i finished the last of my glamour stick (100s were on sale). I snubbed the last of it in the ashtray and went back inside, only after catching the sunlight glowing on the raindrops hanging from the naked think branches of the young trees outside of the building. i love when i have time to notice things like that. its peaceful, even when i'm hurried; its calming, even when i'm intense. class was nice. i spent a break with someone i'd ordinarily not really talk to. Nick is so very intelligent but in that intelligent way that sometimes intimidates and makes me stumble over words. he's a genius. he has a beautiful glass piece. we returned to class a little less occupied with learning and a little more focused on the chocolate i'd brought to class. nacho wasnt' there tonight. i think she might be sick. i don't know. i haven't talked to my roommates in days. i'm getting all emily dickonson around here lately. after class, i enjoyed the crisp spring air and stopped by the big bird for some cigarettes and couldn't help but stop for more cassette tapes. i can't stop recording and mixing. its for him, and i like doing things for him to let him know that i think about him. when i got home, D chimed in. He wants me to think "long and hard" about what i want. i know what i want. i want warm clean air, a new ocean, and a new start. england seems to me a cold and dismal place. i need a room with a view. i need a climate more accomodating to sunshine. i was glad for him to go to bed after the crack about the boy from tennessee. he doesn't know whats going on, as much as i'm trying to be honest with him. he assumes a lot more than is true, i think. as much as i think about this new person, i've not ever used words such as love....yet. D doesn't really know me. he knew the pre-December me. he knew a girl that was afraid of her own dreams. he doesn't even know what i dream about anymore. it isn't ancient stone castles with equally aging myth-laden forests or stone circles. my dreams lie in a fresh start and steps closer to...closer to what? fame? i believe it's spelled "pshaw", darling. but yeah....i think thats the overall goal, here. mark says "the grass is always greener"....i say there is no grass where i'm going. there is sand where i'm going. or maybe not. we shall see. when D left, he left with harsh words from my fingertips. nothing irritates me more than someone who assumes to know what i'm up to; who refuses to listen after having asked me what i want. it will probably be a few days before he has the time to ring in again. i don't loathe that distance so much anymore. when he went to bed in his overly late time zone, i grew more comfortable again. words flowed like the beat of faithless; words flowed like caramel melting down. i'm relieved to have said the things that have been most on my mind for some time now; to have expressed my quiet worries. every night that goes by, i find myself falling further and further into a boy with dreams in his head and his feet on the ground. i appreciate the supportive company, the text that flashes across my screen that upbuilds and assures. every now and then, i need some assurance. i need to be taken seriously. i love that he can take me as i come. it occurred to me tonight, that i've never heard his voice. i wonder sometimes, what sort of beautiful sound comes from such an amazing instrument. i wonder, too, if the sound of my voice will suprise him; if its at all as he imagines. maybe it was the sulfuric well water he was drinking after the beers or maybe it was too many cigarettes while i spoke what's been on my mind, but i got a happy ache and butterflies that refused to calm in my stomach. i was glowing. he was tired. he's had a long day. there is something in me that wants to hold him til he falls asleep; something that wants to watch over this beautiful person just to be sure he sleeps safely through the night. i held my breath and watched for the sign off message. my heart sank a little, but began its now-traditional vigil. i was beaming. i put on the same garb, my steps light and my head ready to explode with warm happiness. i put a new pack of cigarettes into my pocket, checked for a lighter, leashed the pup, grabbed some puppy biscuits, and headed out the door into the cool night. the sky had cleared; i could see my breath in the moist night. i breathed in the chilly damp air and headed the same path to the grove, this time with my understanding companion. i unleashed her at the edge of campus and we strolled and jogged up the walk to the open grove. the stars were bright, second only to the light of the waxing gibbus moon. we ran. i ran til i stopped shaking with excitement. we threw sticks and laughed. well...i laughed..verbil barked and wagged her huskey-esque tail and shook her ass to show her approval with the night excursion. she ran long after i stopped to smoke a cigarette, perching myself on the thick root of an oak that felt as though it had been formed just for sitting upon. i breathed happily. i watched the stars and sang softly to myself a song that has been recorded to one of the tapes, already: "hold on to the thought at the end of the day...oh, someday, we'll be watchin' the clouds as they're driftin' away....baby, i could fall into your dreams." i am forever a romantic; i am forever a dork. i dont care anymore. i'm a happy sappy tool. we walked home slowly, both of us taking in the night, watching our shadows on the walk, ghostly in the light of the moon. i came in and took off my vest. i held my breath and let it out. i am content. i have a long way ahead of me, in a robert frost sort of way. i have no limits. tonight, with thoughts of you fresh in my head, with thoughts of you to keep me warm, i sleep soundly. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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