introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K

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setting it down

losing track of the days - 29 september 2014

"she lives in fear of endings, a thing most cannot help. do you have any last words and did you write them yourself? what is the use in the ars moriendi when we don't even know how we should live?"~agent ribbons

one day at a time, i remind myself. one day at a time.

we rose before the sun to get on the road. two cars, four people. my father drove for me for a bit while i slept a little after all the driving the day before. he said i didn't sleep too long before i was wide awake again.

"your sister knows about the car," he told me.
"okay? it wasn't a secret," i replied.

i'm keenly aware of how things with my aunt are effecting my immediate family and how in the middle of it i've been placed despite not wanting to be here.

in july, my aunt bought a car for me...a huge gift for which i am grateful. in the goings on of acquiring the vehicle which led me to feeling less stuck here on my own, my aunt told my parents. she asked all of us not to tell my sister and brother and i was clear that if it came up, i wasn't going to lie to them. i obviously can't afford a new car as things are right now. my budget has been a juggling act here and there with a place that costs more than i wanted to pay here on my own....but this is home and i've made it work. one day at a time.

when my uncle died, there was all this focus on wills and making sure everything was set with my name...which has made me uncomfortable in so many ways in part because it doesn't feel right. i am thankful that she'd think of me at all for as little as i've been able to do for her given my distance...but i'm so aware of how this is making the rest of my family feel, too. sometimes, when i talk to them, it's all they talk about these days.

we switched pairs at a stop and my mom was next in the passenger seat. she is an impossible passenger with her gasps and clutching for the handle above the window as though every time i use the brake, we are about to crash into something.

"your sister found out about the car last night," she told me. on top of the stress of driving, i grew more uncomfortable, aware that this was going to culminate in some sort of discussion with my sister eventually.

"dad told me already," i replied. i'm not sure what i'm supposed to say. my car wasn't going to last another two weeks. i have a baby on the way. i never asked for any of this even if it was something i needed more than i was really able to admit to myself.

i was on edge for the next round of musical drivers, to be sure. when my sister got in the car, i'm not sure how long it took to get to the point and we still had hours to go before we arrived at our destination.

"i know you know about the car," i told her. her face told me what i needed to know.

my family has never talked too much about finances. i know my parents and brother and sister know that i'm hardly well-off but they've done me the favor of not bringing it up too often. it has been a long while since i've needed to ask anyone for help. i'm proud of how i've managed a near-zero room for error budget over the last few years. there was hardly room in it for a car payment, though, and that wasn't any secret.

"we don't keep secrets from each other," she said, as though i'd been keeping anything from her. i assumed that they'd just expect that someone helped me since there was no way i could've done it myself. i'd told my parents and my aunt that if my brother or sister asked, i was going to tell them the truth. i don't feel like i kept a secret so much as maintained the status quo. apparently, my parents were in crisis about this huge secret...and i had no way to know from this far away.

"there's more. you may as well know." i told her everything. about the will. about how i hadn't asked for anything. about how i'd told my aunt no, thank you....but no....until i finally accepted more out of need than wanting to. the last thing i wanted was to have this thing be a wedge between me and my family.

i've spent weeks trying to get my aunt to take things one day at a time. to think things through. i've wanted to be there for her as much as i can because i know what it feels like to be this alone. i don't like all the talk of wills and money and property and finding an executrix or any of it. "you're not dying," i remind her. let's focus on your life now and living it.

i tried to explain to my sister that i'm stuck in the middle of this and i didn't ask to be put in this position. she maintained a position that i'd kept it from them and asked my parents to lie...which couldn't be farther from the truth. she expressed that money changes everything between people. i reminded her that i have no money and that again, i've not asked for anything at all. she was clearly upset about everything and it didn't seem much to matter what the actual facts were. her perception was eating her up and i could relate...because this is precisely what i've been trying to avoid.

if it had just been about the money, i think i could've handled it without it getting into my head too much. it's all just hypothetical talk and i don't have much time for that...things change so quickly and everything could be quite different tomorrow. i am not asking for anything, expecting anything, or planning on anything. if it had just been about the money, i might not be in this depressed slump where i've been since she said it.

"you always fall in shit and it turns to gold."

she pointed to my pregnancy as though it was something i'd planned and wanted...as though all the anxiety and drama and stress of dealing with the baby's father in the weeks and months that followed had been some sort of celebration instead of what it was...devastating and crippling.

i immediately thought of that first day when i took those pregnancy tests...and how terribly guilty i felt when i found i was pregnant unintentionally when my best friend and her husband had been trying for so long. i was bemoaning my situation and shocked and scared and...feeling guilty for not wanting a baby when that's what they wanted so much.

"i've always wanted to be a mother. i never wanted a career."

i'd be lying if i said that i never wanted to be a mom...it was just never on the forefront of my radar, either. before being a mom, when you do it 'right', there are a lot of other roles you're supposed to play first. i've been a partner, i've been a lover...but never so well that any of them ever stayed or that any of them wanted to make me a wife. i've spent most of my adult life expecting to be a spinster and, over time, getting to be pretty okay with that truth. i've proclaimed that i'm not the marrying type because that is the truth i've lived for so long. i find joy in my single-ness sometimes but my heart has always wanted to have someone with whom to share my life. i've taken it as it comes. when i've split with partners after years, i've come away learning more and more about myself...lessons for which i'm thankful. i know that i can survive on my own. i've learned to entertain myself and value the alone time i get to myself when a lot of women my age don't get to have adventures or time to think and reflect on things as much.

"neither of us have gotten what we wanted," i told her. "this just wasn't my plan."

and it wasn't. i've taken most of these months of being pregnant to wrap my head around it. i'm determined to make sure this baby feels loved...and not know that there was a time when mom just wasn't sure she could do this. i'm sure i can do this now. i watched those kids on the beach and was really bothered by how much i don't really like kids. everyone says it'll be different when it's mine. the only thing that has helped me focus on the challenge of being a single mom is that i have gotten too good at compartmentalizing my life. i know that as long as i can find time to still be me...to still be the human person that i am when i am just me that i can make this work. there isn't any other way that i can be successful at this. this baby will be my priority but i'm only as good for the baby as i am for myself...and keeping my mental health in check is going to require time set aside for myself to just be me versus me-as-mom.

i've cried a fuckload of tears in the last week, her perspective echoes in my head. to her, it isn't fair that i got pregnant how i did and she has done 'everything right' and doesn't have a baby or a husband or any of it. it isn't fair that anyone could be interested in me if i'm this pregnant and she just broke up with another lousy self-possessed guy. (hearing this made me wish i'd never told her about him. i've told very few people about him and i trusted her...and now feel like it's another thing that i should feel guilty about when it has been one of the things that has been making me most happy.) she's working so hard on making her body look a certain way (for her, she maintains) and here i am, fat and pregnant...it doesn't seem fair that anyone could be interested in me if i look how i look. the rest of the time in north carolina was peppered with offhand comments about what foods i ate, how much i ate...i've become self-conscious to a new unhealthy degree that it will just take some time to get under control.

i don't begrudge her her feelings, her position. it has taken me months to feel okay with my decisions. it has taken me months to accept that my body is housing another life and to really appreciate how incredible this is even if it wasn't planned or what i wanted for myself right now. it has taken me years to feel worthwhile of being loved by anyone...all those terrible breakups left behind a pretty damaged me that i only recently started feeling was strong enough to say no to unhealthy relationships. leaving sean wasn't easy for me. the baby's father was a nightmare explosion that made me get my head on straight. my body has been a prison since i can remember and it was only in this process that i've learned to find joy in it despite everything. i am determined to remain healthy and unapologetic...it just isn't as easy as that, sometimes.

we all have our stories. everything about mine is overwhelming me in the last week; everything is happening at once. i have been happier than i can remember being in years and then more frustrated and depressed in other moments. it has been difficult to determine what comes next any given day because when i think i have something figured out, i'm hearing the words of someone i love in my head making me feel like this about myself.

i've felt hideous, unreasonably selfish (when i don't know that i've been at all, in truth,) and struggling to keep my head above all of this negativity that is going to drown me if i let it. i want to believe that my sister didn't mean the things she said in the way that she said them, in the way that i heard them. i want to believe that she will eventually appreciate my perspective...this is the biggest challenge i'll ever face. i'm going to need a lot of love and positivity in my life in the upcoming months and i'm trying really hard to focus on the good things. i wish it were that simple. i wish i could get this garbage out of my head and get back to being more like myself.

i know i'm worthwhile. there aren't a lot of ladies like me in the world. i've spent months dismantling my robot heart but i feel the cold protective metal parts inside me suddenly, unexpectedly.

one day at a time. that's all i can manage right now. i'm focused, determined. i'm convinced that there is a simplicity to this that is being covered up under all the garbage i've let get into my head. i will not be a reflection of the person she sees right now. i will continue to be who i am...whoever that is today.

one day at a time.

xo,
jones

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.what came before. - .what happened next.

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baseball season to football season, abbreviated - 25 september 2017
the doodles - 11 july 2017
at arm's length - 4 july 2017
like a sea-mammal needs a bicycle - 30 may 2017

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