introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- for writing's sake second saturday night, 1:30am or - 10/11 august 2013 "she lifts her skirt up to her knees/walks through the garden rows with her bare feet, laughing."~ray lamontagne here we are again, saturday night. i promised you, didn't i? i promised. well, to be fair, it's sunday morning but tomorrow is a rare sunday off. so thankful. the cat is rolling around on my feet, catnipping. happy saturday, boringest cat in the world. the cat is into silent saturday nights except for the purring. my old man is curled up and snoring hound snores and occasionally running in his sleep. it is well past his bedtime. my fingers smell like tomato stems. i pulled the boxes out and rotated them so they'll sun evenly i took a handful of currant tomatoes. it is a short matter of time. so proud of this little experiment. my basil will go with them and then there will be the pesto...i'm ready. so it was dinner in for the two of us. a strange parallel with date nights, these saturday nights are destined to be. a pitcher of gin & tonic in the kitchen and i've sequestered myself in a quiet corner of the house. i'm getting better at this. i'm bored by the television (with exception to 90210.) i got some pretty pluots & plums and made up a quick pastry for dessert. the dishes are stacked neatly, the candle is still burning and i've tucked myself away in the dining room... i'm catching my breath. recharging. i'm ready for the 6o-hour week i've signed on for. i'm making peace with the coming week. tomorrow, there should be a little rain but i'm thinking of biking down to the science center to see the bicycle exhibit. i want my body to be as tired as it can be come monday morning. it seems easier to sit still for so long. my skin is glowing in the candlelight. the night is humid with a chill. my glass is sweating. as i drifted off to sleep last night, having had 3 glasses of gin and tonic with lime...i felt inclined to be kissed. i may have laughed myself to sleep. i haven't wanted to kiss a person for as long as i can remember except for maybe louie and that was just because i couldn't figure out why he kissed more like a girl than a girl. but seriously. so many weird thoughts in my head and i keep laughing or crying myself awake some mornings. this was the first morning i've not set an alarm in so so long. i slept in like in my twenties. i sang softly to myself for awhile before i got out of bed. i needed this so much. i am getting used to the sense of relief. joy in so many hours of barefootedness, the warmth of the sun in the wood of the deck while i picked fruit. my summer dress plays at my ankles. i love when it sweeps the cool ceramic tile of the kitchen floor when i'm cooking. tom called last night while rachel and andy were visiting for games & dinner. i missed his voice so much and while i'd have let just about any other call to go to voicemail, i had to say hello. he said hello to rachel, too. tom understands without words. tom knows who i am, i think. there are only a handful of people who do, truly. i told him of my plan for porchetta. i miss them all. tom. nick. amber. ashley. jason. rachel, like nick, lives just across the river but getting a plan together is never as easy as just riding over on my bike. wherever i land, i will find people. i will never be alone for long. i wish tom would come west with me. people keep asking me if sean is going with me to the west. i feel like everyone understands. poor sean lytle, they say. he is a good good man. he loves me and i know i'm going to leave him behind. still, we've been hanging out on the weekends and things feel mostly normal except that i know i'm going. we live in the same house and managed not to see each other for five straight days. incredible. deliberate. i've started a daily search for open positions. it would be nice to have a soft landing place figured out. i feel like after a few days away from work and when i make the time for myself, i've got happier stories to tell. i feel more full of hope, more methodical. i'm planning. it feels good. i want to run away from my day job so badly but it has its usefulness. remember when i said it's a stepping stone? i've said it so often before....but i never make a leap for it. i've never felt so sure of something in my life. i feel like there is something just out of sight. it has been there waiting for me but i just wasn't ready for it....i'm almost ready, i think...for now, i'll laugh and cry myself awake and keep reminding myself of the plan. there's nobody to let me down but me, now. ...now to curl up on the porch and nurse this last drink to the dregs of lime in the bottom. the crickets are thrumming and the night trains are coming. the storytelling can wait for tomorrow evening, i think... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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