introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- bride of robot heart murky confusion - 27 september 2014 "so come on, let it go. just let it be. why don't you be you and i'll be me?"~james bay i can only presume it was something about me...but that's what happens. i keep trying to focus on anything else but my heart isn't in it. what was it this time? was it the swollen ankles or the last bulging month of what pregnancy is doing to my body? was it the late hour? was it too much or too little? did i snore? was it a matter of saying nonsensical things in the morning on so little sleep? was it that i wanted more than a handful of hours? was it me at all? is it the baby coming? is it money and the end of the month and needing to figure something out? were the cookies so terrible? was it the first hat i made--with love and warmth spun in the knits and purls? was it the unfortunately misshaped crown? was it just too much somehow? i didn't have expectations, just hopes. i didn't have plans, just daydreams. we never laid out ground rules, you and i. but then, you never talk about the things that worry you...not really. in turn, i've found myself keeping things to myself, too. like how i'm scared to death of what comes next when this baby is born and in the giving birth at all. you called it our second date but i've talked to you every day for months and i suppose it didn't feel like like that to me, exactly. when you kissed the back of my shoulder, it was warmth. i sense that you've changed your mind. maybe making it work isn't an option anymore...which, while disappointing, won't break me. nothing has broken me yet, i suppose. as much as i've let myself open up over these last few months to the idea that i could be a worthwhile part of someone else's life...i've struggled strongly and quietly with maintaining my ability to trust. i'd understand. i meant it when i said it then and i still mean it now. i never spelled it out for you and i feel like that was something i wanted to talk about. that's why i wanted to see you....i wanted to explain so many things that i haven't yet...like why i don't like someone to touch my face anymore. i wanted you to understand that it's your company i enjoy. not your free tacos. not your trips to new york city that make me so jealous. i know you've got stories in you that would break my heart. i know you get down on yourself for being poor and lame but you have no idea how brave i think you are because i hate my job and it kills me off a little more every day. you inspire me to not give up on something else. i feel like you say more than you think you say...or maybe i just don't understand. and i wanted to see you because i had this daydream of picking apples or some other boring thing. it's okay. i'll understand eventually, i know. you kissed me goodbye in the diner parking lot. you sent me a picture of yourself a few days later still wearing that same tshirt. i don't understand but i'm trying. on the way home from the beach, i drove through new york city and, for the first time, i didn't think of the last time i was there and feel that old ache in my heart. instead, it made me think of you. i'm unplugging myself from it slowly, exquisitely, gracefully. today, it was the absence of you today that was so pronounced and strange to me. i hope you're just unplugging...because i know i need to right now. i miss you but listen, i understand. i've loved that you've been there this long, despite all the messy things that come with me. i hope you know that i've wanted you for you and all the messy things that come with you. i hope you're having a good time in new york city. i'm restless and sad...but tomorrow i'm on the road for new hampshire and a day outside like i've been craving. a corn maze and maybe picking some fucking apples or finding a pumpkin. cider? company...on the last weekend that i suspect i'll get to leave town for awhile. everything changes and nothing stays the same. xo, ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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