introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- thoughts before a road trip -ees hot - fourth of may, 2001-cresting high noon "where is time taking me?"~train wow. so today is the day. i wanna thank everyone who's been there for me through all of this about sean. i don't know what i'dve done without you. so..*hugs* today, mark and i will venture out of this one horse town and head for a state i've never seen and will cross several other states i haven't seen either on the way. i'm excited. i'm nervous. i'm so nervous. "but carole! why are you nervous? ees just t-joe...whatchoo afraid of?!" I'm not sure. but i'm nervous. i'm anxious nervous, not scared nervous...at least not yet. my mind has been fast forwarding through scenes my imagination has conjured...my head has been replaying all sorts of reassuring conversations. i mean...this is a real first for me. this is a guy that i haven't had to explain a whole lot of how i feel to because he *already gets it*. this is a guy that i respect for the same reasons i like to respect myself, not because he intimidates me or because hey, its someone to be with. he's someone i *want* to be with. he is incredible and really a blessing to me at this point in my life. i mean....what has all of the waiting been for? healing, yes. but the waiting has gone on far beyond healing now to something else. i want something genuine and this trip this weekend is reminding me of all of the reasons i've been holding off and taking my time in getting involved with anyone. this weekend trip is reminding me that there is someone out there that will go the mile, that will not let me down, that will not judge me for who i am, and who will love me for what i am and will become. i'm glad to get out of town if only for a break from the scorching heat and the reminder of all that went bad this week....but i'm glad to get out of town to meet a kindred. if it works out that we aren't meant for more than friendship, then i have found another unbelievable soul that understands mine in a way that best friends can. so its really hot and i'm gonna sit in front of my fan for just a few more minutes and reflect and write some freestyle cuz i haven't taken the time to do so in a great great while. have a good weekend, cats....*hugs* be well. ~as easily as~ i could as easily fall into you as i could fall into a pile of leaves absorbing every sense of the act i could as easily walk away from you without kissing you as i could go without water or breath i could as easily gaze into your eyes as i could the night sky the stars in your eyes are just as numerous just as bright and i don't wanna think too fast and i don't wanna dwell on the past either but i'm hesitant and anxious to know how this thing unfolds cuz right now i could just as easily hold your hand and squeeze it in mine gently knowingly as i could palm the rock that i used to keep in my pocket all the time smooth and comforting and i could just as easily accept that its not what i think it is what it has become as i could accept that man hasn't really walked on the moon don't be ludicrous cuz i could just as easily fall into you as i could fall into the night breeze sparkling and sweet and fluid and i could just as easily fall in love with you as i have learned to love myself and i want to and i do and i might yes i think i just might ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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