introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- things will always get quiet again. on the waning - 9 october 2014 "like the peacocks wandering the walkways of the zoo who have twice the autonomy the giraffes and tigers do..."~mewithoutYou i woke early to try to catch the blood moon. instead, i caught the front of thunderstorms that raged in. i've waited for storms that felt like this all summer. 3 blood moons since i became pregnant. i only saw the first one in the sky. when the next full moon rolls around, i'll hopefully be somebody's mother...and still me, i maintain. brought home the changing table today. i am aware of how much i've avoided unpacking the baby-things here. this is the first real piece of furniture i've brought home for him but seeing it makes me happily expectant. i want to paint it purple and maybe decoupage some old-timey bats or maybe a headless horseman? i feel like a little haunted nursery could be cozy until we can move on to planets and glow stars or whatever else, i guess. i'm terrible at making decisions like this. the big stuff i can handle. sometimes, i think i'd be a better dad than a mom, guys. come on, though. purple bat lights will be good nightlights...just gentle enough to not make your eyes hurt in the middle of the night. so yeah. baby's first functional piece of furniture. had my second birthing class today. i've been trying to focus on what comes after the birth...i'm pretty sure i've got birth covered...or at least my body does. i've dug out some of my oils since my midwife advised against burning incense or candles or anything that might involve smoke. fair enough, midwife...this practical hippy thinking is precisely why i hired you, after all. so amber, nag champa, argan, sandalwood. i wonder if my hippy chiropractor office could get me a copy of whatever the heck they play in that waiting room. maybe we'll break out some loreena mckennitt. [uh, no...that is absolutely not what we're going to do.] i've asked tom to send me a playlist for being born. if anyone can put it together, tom is that person. no new words from ian and the weird traffic on the street has been more quiet. my old neighbor spotted a stranger in michelle's back yard yesterday, though. the cab that was stopping outside my house and disappearing and reappearing has stopped. coincidence, i've assured myself. michelle thinks there are homeless people living on the paper street in the woods behind our houses. it's getting cold and bangor's drug problems are becoming more evident. i keep watching the woods as the leaves drop away more each day expecting to see a vibrant tent city in there somewhere among the naked branches. everyone at work ate those red hot dogs today. people in maine eat red fucking hot dogs. something tells me they're like isaly's chip-chopped ham and that, if left exposed to light for too long, would turn grey. i was surprised to find that they are not red inside, though, thanks to my teammate being such a good sport while he ate his and let me ask him too many questions about the novelty. red hot dogs are less of an enigma now. they dye them with beet juice like pink pickled eggs without the pickle. i don't understand the purpose and nobody seems to know why but if you're gonna eat a hot dog around here, that hot dog better be fucking red. i wonder if you can even buy a hebrew national hot dog here if you wanted to? an investigation on the next grocery store visit. if lobster rolls weren't so terrific, i'd really question the local food here a lot more. beans and red hot dogs are not pierogies or jewish food, after all. homesick. my aunt's cancer might be back and that's on my mind more than most things. they're sending her for more tests but they won't know anything until the middle of december. she says she won't fight it again. all i can think about is this little dude not getting a chance to know her at all and so, selfishly i realize, i hope that if it is back, she'd try to fight it. she's beaten it twice, after all. more practically, i hope it isn't back at all. we remind each other: one day at a time. my parents will be here sooner than they anticipated, it seems. i have only a palmful of days left to myself. music. dance parties. walking around the house naked. singing in my shower. not feeling guilty for sleeping in when i damn well feel like it. letting a few days of dishes sit in the sink sometimes. all the important things i love so much about being alone...i've made good use of my time to myself. i'm more ready for what is coming every day...i want to spend as much time as i can with them while they're here and i'm looking forward to a little extra motivation to get up in the morning and get to the woods. i'll have them at 4 mile daily walks in no time, i bet. send good juju, my loves. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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