introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- poison-thoughts 1:30 p.m. - 2009-11-17 "and when you say you love him, taste me; i'm like poison on your tongue."~mewithoutYou i feel incredibly sad. this makes no sense and thats fine...i'm fine with that. i'm fine with things just not making sense. yesterday, i left my house to head for class, made it halfway, turned around, came home. i missed my evening class as well. i am in a funk that feels incredibly deep. i know what triggered it...i know the source. too much of what has been happening in my life has been pointing, like an arrow, back to everything with toby, i suppose. jess and stanley are far enough from my thoughts most moments but i see them everywhere and its increasinly difficult and emotionally exhausting. i am glad that nick is moving out...i feel like, in some way, i'll know he's not going through the very things that broke my heart so nearly three years ago. terri says i'm projecting and you know, at first, i took a lot of issue with that statment but i know there's a nugget of truth in that bucket. i am projecting...but its a protective sort of thing. i want to protect him from the damage that i know i endured on my own. i want him to know he is not alone. i want him to know. then this thing with a stranger...because lets face it, kids, thats what it was. a stranger...a potentially misplaced sense of trust and safety. but what girl doesn't want to feel safe for a few moments? i spend so many hours of my day making sure i'm doing the right thing (or trying to) and, at the end of the day, i ache for someone to come home to...for someone to curl up with...i want someone i can say anything to or nothing at all and know that he knows. why now? i've been mostly fine for three years...why does this feel so fucking dramatic and heavy and why do i feel so brokenhearted about something that was a one evening affair? i knew better. maybe i'm kicking myself. maybe its because, in some sense, i want to make sure he's okay, too. but i don't owe him that and he certainly doesn't have any real reason to come to me to talk...i made a bad choice, i think. i've got to let myself off the hook, admit that i've been had (even if this isn't the case, its getting harder and harder to feel any other way) and move on, not allow it to happen again. its just that after nearly three years, one would think that i'd have the sound judgement to say, hey...this won't work or yeah, something's fishy here. i don't know. i'm being overly hard on myself. i didn't do anything that i didn't want to do and yet i feel like my reasons for wanting to do what i did were hardly real or true. charmed. i've been fucking charmed. i'm not even angry about it so much as just bewildered. when am i going to stop doing stupid things? i keep thinking of those children...little people...that came after a few experiments with salvia (which, i maintain, was for the good of the paper. :cough: ) and what they had to say..."when are you going to settle down? when are you going to stop messing around so we can tell you everything we have to tell you? we have so much to tell you." i have to settle down. i have to focus on what is real and good and true and tangible. unfortunately, the things i crave most from the world are not things that can be held. i want companionship without ridiculous noose-shaped loopholes...i want a partner who is autonomous and values that autonomy as much as i value my own. i want a brain that i can play with and a body that is equally responsive. these are things i want...and look, let's face it...for all of his i love yous and miss yous and all of it, none of it was real. like so much fog, it has burned away. i am decidely annoyed with myself but smarter for it...and therefore without much else i can say except that i really need to learn from this. (and i really need someone safe to play with.) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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