introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Catching Up & The Pink-capades crack the whip skies - eleventh of july, 2001-hours before the eleventh hour "i'm just a girl."~no doubt (man. thats so cracky.) anyway. yeah. its been a few. a lot of few. i've been doing a lot of work at work and working like a workhorse. no. strike that. i've been getting my lame ass out of bed at the asscrack of dawn and slinging roast beef for nine days now. oi. my mind is a buggledboggled mess of confusion. and my mother just doesn't stop. gah. i've got to get out of this place. so. catching up. tom petty concert was last night. it straight up ruled. i even got a teeshirt, a luxury i have not been able to afford for some time. there was lightning and rain and i was soaked to the marrow but i was swooning for the old man in the tight worn jeans and rolled up cotton sleeves and soft leather (i assume it was soft...i dont mean to imply that i actually *touched* it or anything) vest. he played his guitar and had that beautiful mona lisa smile that he does when he has what i imagine to be absolutely wonderfully tom petty thoughts in his head and i was in heaven. there was high drama in front of us as an old hipster got stoned with some kids and his wife got pissed. that amused me. some other old hippies turned yuppy had rented chairs but when the rain came, they huddled under a tarp for a bit and it was so obvious that they were totally kissing under there and it was sweet in a way that i couldn't explain. i want that someday...i want thirty or twenty years and kissing under tarps at hippy concerts that remind me of my youth with kids like me grinning reminding me of my age. yeah. run ons rule. but anyway. there in the rain, i felt the glass hearted boy rinse away even more...and i felt so much bad seep from my clean pores and wash right down into the grass. i felt it go away and the lightning had me chasing my tail and the rain had me remembering myself. it was good for me. the concert was amazing. he did three encores including a lovely version of Bob Dylan's song...the one where Everybody Must Get Stoned...but i can n ever remember what its really called. and i was happy because...well, quite frankly, i was. things around my parents house are dull and exciting and dramatic. my parents and my brother fight all the time. my brother who i always beam about when i speak of him now makes my stomach turn with his age nineteen attitude. and have i mentioned that i don't like his girlfriend? i don't like his girlfriend. my father bothers me wiht his comments such as: "i wonder what your brother's stance on abortion is." that bothers me. sure, they're doin' it. but jesus. dad. gah. don't say shit like that. *frown* and my mother is crazy and does what my brother tells her to do and my father is frustrated and trying to keep his otherwise short temper in check and me...i'm just working and trying ot stay out of the way except when i can't...except when i have to stick up for myself because nobody else is going to. gah. i can't wait to move. brian made it to san diego. i'm proud of him and even more glad that i didn't go, i think. it sounds like he had the adventure that i was seeking going out but i don't know that i would have been happy and i can't help but think every time i see or talk with mark since brian left that i wouldn't be having these times if i'd gone. i'm glad i decided to stay. every day, i'm more and more secure in my decision. and every day is closer to nashville. did i mention the new plan? yeah. nashville. Mark, darling, twelve hours will be better than four days. oi. so i'm thankful for the time i have here with my friends. i'm thankful for seasons. and now, after nine days of shifts and tomorrow making an even ten, i will head off to mark's to spend the evening drinking and talking and being together and enjoying his company. and then, its on the plane to nashville. this time, i'll be needing a bigger bag than my pack and may even have to check baggage because this time, i'm staying a week. a week? yes. that. in my mind, i have daydreamed a million times what it will be like to know that he will be coming home or to know that he will be nearby. i have daydreamed cooking dinner with him and doing all of the mundane things that we hardly have time for on other visits. this will be special. this will be the dry run. man, i live for friday...breathe for it. anyway. due to a recently incurred taste for the colour pink, i've written a little something to keep you from starving. there are more to be posted....if i could only find the time. oh. thats right. next week. i'll have lots of it. until, my darling glow worms. ~Just Because Its Pink~ i must be growing ovaries or the estrogen got turned up because i'm craving something pink or pastel yellow or sky blue and these soft colours used to give me headaches but today, its all i want: to get my hands on something pink. i must be growing up amphibian and my gills are turning into pink-lips-fish ...i know you know what i mean. see, i've got a thing for satin and i won't stop til it slips across my fingertips, i won't quit til i've got some of it. when did i become a girl? and when did i stop wanting to fight? when did i get to have fingernails that i don't bite? when did i learn to bleed to the moon? yeah, i must be growing woman-parts cuz this is all so new to me... its more shimmery than glitter and soft like the rose petals on the buds she buys herself every friday. its strange and new and i'm embracing it but i'm just a little bit scared because i don't want to forget how to swing a hook how to get dirty how to sweat how to spit how to carry heavy things. and so i'll find some pink and maybe pink satin for now but i keep reminding myself that i can put myself in pink but i can't put myself beneath Them; i can put myself in skimpy underwear and pretty perfect hair but underneath the glitter i'm stronger than my painted fingernails. yeah, i must be growing ovaries or the estrogen turned up. i am turning into something like a girl cuz i've got a taste for pink that won't be ignored... a raging taste for pastel that makes my breathe short with excitment but it doensn't mean that i'm any less a boy than i was yesterday and it certainly doesn't mean that i can't keep kicking fighting lunging... just because i'm wearing pink doesnt' mean that i can't doesn't mean that i won't kick your ass. (don't laugh at me.) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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