introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- with you: part one after midnight - thirteenth of may, 2001-having just moved- " first and foremost, my apologies to those anxious readers {mark} that have been wondering how its all been goin' down in my rounded wall crazy house section of the world. the trip to tennessee to see tennessee t threw my entire week off and then, wham, it was time to move. i can't believe its been a week since i held your hand, you know. i can't believe its been a week. mark and i shopped early that friday afternoon for things we needed to cook out. we picked up charcoal and sweet corn and morningstar farms grillers and the Huskee-unenvironmental-styrofoam-cooler, and the rest of the things we needed at Wal-Mart. I rarely shop there and the lighting makes me nervous. I rarely shop there and i wasn't nervous because of the lighting that afternoon. i was nervous because we were really doing it. i was waiting to wake up. i was waiting for it to all come crashing like a dream...waiting for someone to wake me up from the dream that is you. we delivered my faithful hound to susan's. i hugged her (verbil, not susan) a tight goodbye. it was the first time i'd left her overnight since new year's eve when mark and i and nacho and the others had gone to Times Square. It was also the longest time i've left her. I hugged her and told her to be good and i dont remember if i cried or not, but my heart ached. verbil, my beautiful dog, has become such a staple to my sanity that its really hard to imagine being away for three nights...that turned out to be four. finally, we were on the road. we stopped at the mcdonald's i swore i'd never frequent again after that bout with the rude manager that time with brian m. we discussed kharma and i said that i felt like all of the good things i'd done for people were coming back. there were nice people there at the mcdonald's that were overly kind and offering us all sorts of lovely things like their fry boxes and extra cups (i had been rambling and gushing words and had thrown my cup away). Sometimes, i think i could believe that people are inherently kind. We were on the road again for a short time, stopping again only forty five minutes later at the Murrysville Sheetz for fuel and a carwash. We delighted at tri-coloured wax. Finally, we began the first long stretch of driving. I kept watching the clock, knowing that we had hours and hours before we'd finally reach the state where you live. I kept watching the clock and imagining the things you were doing: leaving work, meeting friends, attending the concert. i've always enjoyed imagining you and your day, even if i *am* totally off about my visions of you when you play receptionist at your office. i looked ou the window through the lenses of purple sunglasses and watched the sun move across the sky slowly. mark has been my best friend since i can remember. i remember meeting him. i remember making him laugh. i remember nearly everything we've shared. we bantered back and forth the way best friends have a tendency of doing, singing songs we both knew loudly at the world that couldn't hear us for the rolled up windows, talking about everything we could think of, and laughing over our silly long-winded inside jokes. "the dead ohio sky" Ohio is a flat state with lovely rest stops that i hope you'll see someday. mark and i roasted corn and our grillers. i think that i make a pretty decent outdoor meal. we were on the road again in good time. "whoa, baby whoa. leave the racin' to the horses!" kentucky is horrible. if i had an american flag (and i don't) i would colour one star in or X it off. In fact, i think i would start eliminating stars for every state that i do not enjoy. Selective acknowledgement, I'll call it. kentucky is horrible and *LET ME TELL YOU WHY* Kentucky has an eau to it that is less desirable a scent than mark's said hot garbage or steamy kentucky derby horse poop. how tasteless a comparison...but WAIT. because there was also a TASTE to the air there. i had to pull my shirt collar up around my nose and stop singing because the taste was a bitter horrible one that made me want to vomit. i watched the clock absently as the moon came up in the sky. it was getting so heavy and round and i estimated fullness around sunday night or so. full moons never cease to put me in awe and i will always be a fan of that beautiful hanging gem. no matter where i am in the world, if you can see the moon and i can see the moon....i'll feel all the more close to you. i wish i could say the same for the sun...but he is so arrogant. i fell asleep to the sounds of tori and woke later. i remember rolling down my window at warp speeds to throw my arms out the window of the silver stratus to welcome myself into tennessee...to greet your state and bid farewell to the smelly state behind us. my stomach knotted, you know. i knew it was getting late. a late start, we'd gotten. i was worried that you'd wait too late and be worried. i was worried that you would think we weren't coming. i was worried that you'd be a little irritated with our tardiness. "inn. red roof inn. the red roof inn in question." we pulled into the parking lot of the commercial complex that made up the neighboring area of our Red Roof. My eyes glanced at the clock, my head did the formula (tennessee time=eastern standard time minus one hour.) They darted rapidly about the parking lot, my mouth formed the name of your car. My eyes searched for the colour. My heart twisted into nervous anticipating wrenches. You never struck me as the doily type and i had to assume that that marroon mitsubishi was not yours. Kind Don at the desk gave me the note after i'd asked for messages. I read, devouring your words as i always do. "dearest carole," it said. "i've gone home." i could sense the worry in your script; in the voice of the note. Dearest Carole, I thought. That has a nice ring to it. I melted at the I love you at the end. The phone rang. It was you. I hardly knew what to say and was glad that Kind Don had given the phone to Mark. We arranged to meet early the next morning and I glowed. Mark and I filled the Huskee-unenvironmental-styrofoam-cooler with ice from the machine in the hall as Kind Don "turned his head". I unpacked my things. I hate living out of suitcases and backpacks for more than a night or two. I curled up in the bed that was mine with my pillows and Jerry Garcia. I layed there, then, in the darkness, listening to Billie Holiday as we drifted off. I layed there and thought of you as she sang notes and words that will always remind me of you; notes and words that pull fiercly at my heartstrings. The alarm sang quietly and i was glad for having arranged for the wake up call with Don. I got up, my usual morning grumpiness left in Pennsylvania and instead, in its place, the intense feeling of anticipation. I showered, enjoying the quiet as Mark slept on. When i finished and was a little more relaxed, I woke mark. While he showered, I rubbed suntan lotion into my flesh and spent the moments lost in thought and imagination. I wondered what your voice would sound like. I wondered how your eyes would sparkle. I wondered how it was going to be.... Mark finished showering and came out dressed as i played with my new glitter tanning lotion. The time flew by and dragged at the same time. I jumped at the knock on the door that was only the spanish speaking housekeeper. i jumped at the ring of the phone and mark answered it. it was you and you were less than thirty seconds away from me. it got surreal. i can admit that i peeked through the hole in the door first, but i did so only for a moment. i was debating whether to pretend we'd run off. i was so nervous. i tried to push it aside. after all, we've come this far. i opened the door. three cups of coffee in your hand, i smiled. you are amazing. i wanted to hug you. i wanted you to put down the coffee. i wanted to make sure you were real. i couldn't stop looking at mark as if looking for assurance that you are real. i couldn't stop talking nonsense. and when you'd set down the coffee, you asked me for a hug. when you asked me for a hug, i went monosyllabic and melted. you did that all weekend, you know. you took my breath away. hugging you there, like that, pressed against you, feeling you take that deep breath, feeling the soft of the cotton of your teeshirt pass against my palms as i rubbed your back, wanting to hold you like that for as long as i could...hugging you there like that...made it all a little more real again. and then you let go and i let go and the moment had passed but i had certainly fallen for you completely. hell. i'd fallen for you as soon as i saw you. its like i said: you take my breath away. we sat down, then, having prepared our coffee. i am a sugar whore. the coffee was perfect. i couldn't stop smoking lest my hands not have anything to do. we headed for the waffle house, then. (FGIF) We waited for a table; we waited for your friend, S. I was glad that there would be four of us. i ordered my grilled cheese and hashed browns like the novice i am. you had grits and eggs. i was never so glad to have been conditioned to sit across from mark. see, he sits on his own side if he can and i was glad that i had you next to me. i was glad to share your spoon. i was glad to share your napkin when the woman gave me my own spoon. i was glad to be next to you as i downed cups and cups of caffiene-coffee and smoked like a fiend, still nervous. your friend S came and was a good sport in my plans to "fun" you. (see, mary? i think i've got it!) after i forced my grilled cheese down and we'd all had our fill of coffee, we paid our check and i got a waffle house pin. it felt like i was getting my wings from a flight attendant when i was about seven years old: i was just as pleased. "fat girls in front." i loved sitting in the front next to you, although i might not have shown it that whole first day. i was enjoying being that near to you. i was enjoying looking over to be sure you were still there. i was digging on the comfort i felt in that car between the four of us. i loved watching your hands on the wheel. i loved that you didn't speed because i never wanted to get out of that car. had we driven much longer, i might not have been able to keep myself from reaching for your hand. instead, though, i rested my arm on the console between us and secretly silently hoped you'd get the notion. you didn't. i like that you're a chicken like me, sometimes. nashville is a beautiful city, i've decided. it is cleaner than pittsburgh and feels more up to date. i like that it doesn't go to sleep at five p.m. it occurred to me now that i didn't thank you enough for the tickets you'd purchased for me. i know i thanked you when you handed them to me, but i don't feel as though i thanked you enough. i know i didn't tell you that i felt like your date for a fleeting moment or two. i didn't tell you that i felt really special, even though i'd argued against you buying it. i didn't tell you how kind that was. i didn't tell you that when you gave me that ticket, i wanted to take your hand, too. it was all about your hands. when we got inside, i realized you weren't kidding about the alligator on a stick. i still think that that is really amusing. we decided to go to the side stage and see Soup when Soup was done playing, the four of us made our way to the main stages and sat on a sloping ground, waiting for the Nigerian jam band, FemiKuti to play. The four of us cracked jokes and talked for a bit and then, Mark and S decided to go see another show on another stage. They left us alone, you and me. I was suprised at the comfort i felt, even though i was utterly nervous. I didn't want too much for words and was lucky that the atomosphere of the people at the concert paved the way for much people watching and, by default, people-commenting. and gah, i'm sleepy......i think its more tomorrow, cats. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
||||||
|
||||||