introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- sipping sleepytime celestial seasonings - twenty second of february, 2003 "i'm tired of fighting for a lost cause."~beck all of this was preventable. this knot in my throat is tighter than i remember it being for years. this feeling of bile rising up from my guts has got more of a punch than i remember. the tears take a lot longer to come than they did before but they still come and they still burn my skin and redden my eyes. its all one brilliant reminder. this happened before, but maybe not in such a tactile manner as it is this time. and last time i said it would be the last. but its all the same result and i promise i've learned my lesson. its just that there are days when its alright so i don't know if this choice is the one i ought to make (have made.) the only problem with those days is that they are the days when i don't see you at all, practically. those are the days when everything is as it was in my head all of those months ago. the way it was in print, typed out for each other. the way it was with hundreds of miles to span the distance and the every few weekend visit. but the truth is you don't fall in love in counted hours in the flesh. you don't fall in love with wire connections. the truth is there is no truth in the electrical connection we two shared. there was a lot of fantasy and forever and all of these beautiful words but there wasn't a bit of truth. i don't deny i ever loved you because that would be denying the obvious truth. and the truth is when we do see each other for more than a few hours, we don't stop fighting. the truth is i can't talk to you like before anymore. the truth is like i said before: i can't look at this like a forever thing. so who are we fooling every time we pretend its going to be okay? the knot in my throat is strangling me and most nights, i can't breath anyway, and it keeps me awake. i'm just so tired of fighting for (about?) something that hasn't been there for so long anyway. i'm just so fucking tired. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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