introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- on images too stronly linked to orgasms 11:16 a.m. - seventh of september, 2008 "all the things i used to be all the thing i miss of me for you."~kathleen edwards its happening less and less often, thankfully. still, i hate how often your face still flashes like a cigarette burn on the film in my head sometimes. i hate that in some of my most happiest moments, i am extremely aware that if i look around me at the faces that share those moments, i will not find yours among them. i love these people and am particularly blessed most recently. my heart is mostly free of you and i find myself wondering if i'll ever be completely free. the part of me i shared with you is gone forever, turned green like the molds that hit my mushroom garden, disintegrating into nothingness. i couldn't find them again if i tried but when i see these wrinkles settling in around my eyes these days, i know that a lot of them were put there by our laughter...the laughter that rang out like music to underscore my happiness. i miss that laughter but i have a new way of laughing now...one that you probably wouldn't even recognize. and stranger still is that her name keeps coming off my lips more often these days. i do not ride that trail without imagining that day--that day that she came home sunburned and angry and somewhat sorted out. i made her that way, she said...i made her that angry and so she'd ridden all that way....but now i laugh at that. all that way. i ride "all that way" three days a week and it takes me a half an hour and i hardly have time to sort out too many thoughts unless i just keep. on. going. i am mindful of the return trip which is mostly uphill and with each pump of pedal, i sweat her out. i hadn't really thought of her too much in these last three years but doing so now is almost a measure of progress, perhaps? ah, marie. for all of it, i found things about myself that i didn't know were there and i am thankful for it. thankful for all of my mis-steps. but there you are. when my fingers roam on my own skin in the darkness, when my body craves contact with any other human being...when i want nothing more than to make love and fall asleep in the arms of nearly anyone if they'll be there in the morning....in those moments i realize most clearly that there is going to be one thing that will wipe you away forever and that you are the very thing that keeps me from doing it. my body is a last sacrifice to make, i suppose, and the time for altars is coming, too, i suppose. i don't want that face, that smile. they are not who i know you are now. let me be clear...i wish you no ill will its just that i want me back, i want to give myself away to someone frivolously and without much care...or maybe completely opposite...maybe with much care and fragility. regardless, i want your face to stop flashing at me and making me feel all of this guilt. you are not the only man that ever made me scream out in orgasm or laugh until i cried. i don't know why its taken me so long to open my eyes again but they are opening now...opening widely. i tell myself over and over to make love as often as i can...that it will be good for me...and maybe it will. i am ready again. i am so ready to begin living this single life. to be back on some meat market. to have that feeling of being (however slightly) in love again. i've missed the painful torture of unspoken loves, maybe...i miss that happy unsettling in the very pit of me that gives away the truth of my feelings, that makes it all clear to me. it doesn't happen often but when it does, it can be devastating. no more devastation. no more. you are disappearing into the fault lines in my skin forever...forever a ghost of a memory. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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