introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Repeat Offender ten thirty or so - twenty seventh of march, 2001--in for the night i really want the diplomat. it would open up so many possibilities. it would be so glamorous and so divine. "i don't really wanna be the queen." ...his beloved Train; a cd i've owned but never given a fair chance. He, too has made me delve deep into my collection to find songs and artists that were old friends; those that meant something and now find new meaning. props. so philosophy class was great. i was able to drift and write and come back and be an active participant in the dialogue. it was a good class; the best i've sat through in some time. der komissar makes me feel like i get it, even when i know i'm not as bright light as the hc cats in our class. i feel like i'm learning. regardless, this doesn't change the recent decisions to end my college career, leaving all unfinished to instead, persue sunset and moonbeams. my head is in the clouds, but my feet feel like they're on the ground. i like this feeling. D chimed in again today. first time in days. just when i really think things have sorted out, he tosses in the monkey wrench. i think that maybe we need a little more sifting cuz there's no guilty concious here; i explained where i'm coming from. some boys just never learn. toasts to crushes and toasts to taking charge. anyway, here's what i wrote tonight...this stuff is pouring out of me these days. i rather like that feeling, too. night, cats. ~repeat offender~ you do this all the time: you disappoint and dash and dismantle and i get the feeling its only so you can rebuild rejuvenate and rework; building better foundations in your head and tightening the copper wire bond between us. you do this all the time: you drift and depress and wrestle with your doubt and my doubt, name the anonymous thougths in my head, unscramble the mysterious voices of those things that i hardly realize i hold so dear only to put it all before me and prove that you know me better than i often believe you do. you do this all the time: you grant me my space and untangle the leash and loosen the leather straps that i've been pulling and gnawing at for weeks, straining for escape and you do it only to prove my co-dependence, only to prove that i *like* being bound up in you sometimes; only to demonstrate that there is certainly a certain comfort to staying tangled up in you, to remain risk free with what i know and what i know is you. yes, you do this all the time: like i'm some sort of exotic fish giving me line and distance, teasing me, knowing that the mirage of space between you and me is only a game before you reel me in for good, before you break me and make me weak. you do this all the time: creating this illusion just for me, that idea that i am in charge, that i call the movements of our ship and like a master magician, you cleverly distract me from seeing that you are the one with the plan and you keep me forever your captive audience, under your careful thumb and i probably wouldn't know, i probably would never have a clue except that you do this all the time. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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